If you haven’t already, you may want to go back and read Raw, Guilt , Beginning, Anxiety, Seek, Stop, Pride, and Surrender before reading this post.
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I longed to hold onto and remain in control of my life. But the truth was, the control that I longed to hold onto was actually controlling me. It had its grip around my chest and would not let me breathe with all of the fear and panic it created inside of me. Once I learned to surrender my self to Jesus – that is when I was able to enjoy His gift of peace.
Realizing this was glorious, and then I lived happily ever after.
Oh how I wish that happily ever after was the end of the story. I wish that recognizing the need to surrender fully to the Savior, letting go of self, and embracing His peace would keep me always and forever where I needed to be in my relationship with our Creator. But here’s what I am learning:
- We are to take up our cross daily.
- We live in a world that fights for our flesh and against all that is good and right.
- Our journey will never be over – until we meet Jesus face to face.
Learning to surrender myself and my sin to Jesus was a huge breaking point. It was one Satan didn’t like. It was one I was quite inexperienced with. After all, I’d had a solid three dozen years of practice holding on very tightly to control and selfishness. Surrender? I just learned this. Peace? I like it. Now, how do I hold on to this feeling?
Ah, the feeling of peace. It’s great, isn’t it? But what if I told you that my time studying the Word has taught me that peace isn’t a feeling? I always thought it was. “I just don’t feel peace about this,” we say. “Ah, I love how peaceful it feels here.”
God has taught me that peace is not a feeling. Peace is a fruit of the Spirit. Peace is a gift (Psalm 29:11).
When we surrender our sin, our selfishness, our fear, our anxiety to Jesus – He replaces them with His peace. But only if we choose to accept this gift.
See, once we let go of something we’ve been holding onto for a very long time, there is a sin-sized hole in that place in our hearts. This is what I found in myself – a huge hole that had been overflowing with anxiety and fear. God was helping me to recognize this and to rid it from my life, but then what? God said, “Here, now accept this gift of peace that I’ve been longing to give you. Let my peace fill that hole.”
I then had to reach out and accept it. The Spirit fills that hole, and the fruit that bubbles forth out of that space is all that He has been longing to become in our lives.
I loved this. I found myself experiencing the beauty of the Father and the work of the Spirit in my life in ways I had never experienced. It was glorious. But only if I continued to recognize that I could never take my self back. That the hole Jesus had filled left no room for anxiety. That peace and fear can not co-exist. If I chose to grab hold of fear again, my clumsy arms could not also hold onto peace.
I began to struggle with how to juggle. How to hold onto this blessed gift of peace I was beginning to experience. How to continue to surrender myself and not take my self back.
The difficulty then turned to this: Thanks to God, I was learning, growing, and healing. But now I didn’t know who I was anymore. All my life I’ve been the Go!Go!Go! girl and the anxious person, and the drop-everything-for-friends friend. I understood that I was becoming a new person. But what exactly was that supposed to look like? And how was I supposed to act? And who was I supposed to serve? I found myself crying, “Who am I, Lord?!”
shannon says
So glad you have more to come as I love that you’ve found peace but I don’t want the series to end! :) God’s timing is amazing. Perhaps it’s a coincidence, you posting all of these heartfelt posts and all but I’ll give a little more credit to God than that. Just yesterday as I was doing a horribly painful task of scraping away layers of paint from our kitchen cabinets and tired and weary, I was amazed to have a feeling of peace, one I hadn’t had in a long time. I have followed along with all of your posts and resonate with every one, except instead of “anxiety” mine would have been “unforgiveness”. This really is a daily walk and thank you again for your honesty.
becca banana says
I agree…. I am really thankful for the timing
as God is doing this work in my life too!
Katrina says
If I had been reading these blogs 6 months ago, I would not have been able to understand. But a few months back. I decided that it was crucial to spend time everyday reading the Bible. (I’m Catholic, and while the Bible readings are an integral part of our Mass each Sunday, I was never taught how to read the Bible and how to make it a priority everyday.) Well, I decided that I want my children to read the Bible daily, and I started reading a page from the Children’s Bible every night to my 4 year old daughter- we are 3/4 of the way through it now and she loves it and the discussions we have afterwards. Then, before I go to sleep, I read the daily Mass readings from the Bible each night. Quite literally, it is changing my life. I am beginning to find that gift of peace you are talking about. My anxieties of the world and the future are reducing, and I am learning, slowly, how to live in each day, and how to say aloud (often in the car as I’m driving home from work) “Lord, here I am. What do you want of me?” And then, the most amazing part- shutting my out mouth and quieting my own thoughts to listen. I’m learning to ash God what he wants from me, instead of me always asking Him for what I want and what I think I need. No joke, my life and my soul are changing. And I love it.
Birdie says
Hi Katrina. I know your excitement! I grew up with church. Never understood God’s word but now have the opportunity to study HIS word from beginning to end. How my view of who God is, what He wants for each of us, what role we play in life, how important the Jewish nation is to us. It’s amazing to know that satan wants us to NOT read God’s word and only listen to man. satan uses this tool of “not knowing His word” to defeat us.
Linda says
I just finished ready anxiety and peace and was touched by your writings . It has helped me and I thank you.
Melanie P says
What a wonderful legacy you are leaving for your boys. They learn by example. Praise God! Keep striving to find how God made YOU in His image.
Birdie says
Hello Laura. We may have to spend the rest of our days dealing with things that are upsetting to our soul, but we can not let it defeat us. Feelings will never help us overcome defeat each day, faith is what draws us to God. He is the one that keeps us from failure and defeat. He is the one that gives us strength. He is the one that brings us up to Him when we are at our weakest. I speak from my own struggles. Thank you Laura.
Lisa says
Laura, thank you for being so open about your experiences. I’m in the midst of quite the wrestling match with God right now and reading about your journey is so helpful and encouraging.