Bitterness. What a fun thing to experience. It eats at you, distracts you, causes you to lose sleep, makes you feel angry and keeps the hurt feelings right at the surface of your heart.
We’ve all had our feelings hurt at one time or another. People have sinned against us. They have been thoughtless toward us. Some have intentionally been mean or hurtful to us. Others have treated us with disrespect. Some have made us feel like a little piece of dirt that is worth nothing more than to be tossed out to the wind.
None of that feels good. None of that causes us to smile, to be happy or to feel loved. Hurtful words and actions from others are painful to endure, whether they were intended to cause pain or not.
It’s okay to be angry. Anger is a God given emotion and a natural feeling after someone has wronged us.
But we don’t get to run a bath full of anger and soak in it.
Most of the time, when I am angry at someone…they are completely clueless that they have hurt me or made me angry. I’ll have countless “conversations in my head” with that person in which I effectively set the record straight, and oh so eloquently let them know how right I am and how wrong they are and boy do I let them have it! In my head. Over and over. And over. What a completely unproductive use of my time and brain power.
This is where bitterness creeps in.
It’s hard to let go of anger. I hold onto it because I want to “punish” the person who hurt me. Instead, all I’m doing is punishing myself, making myself physically sick with the cancer of bitterness.
The way I see it, I have three choices: I can choose to go to the person and resolve the issue, forgive and move on. If I truly can’t bring myself to go to the person and work through the problem of my hurt, then I HAVE to choose to just let go of it.
Otherwise, I’m making the third choice…the choice to be bitter.
Clearly, resentment is a choice. We didn’t choose for someone to hurt us, but if we remain unforgiving and ugly-hearted, we are choosing resentment.
We are not allowed to say, “Everything he has done to me has made me SO BITTER.” Nope. He may have hurt you, but he didn’t make you bitter. You chose to be bitter.
Deciding to let go of bitterness and forgive…it’s hard. It’s painful. It’s gut-wrenching. It takes much prayer and an absolute surrender of your self.
And then it’s freeing. So, so freeing.
Oh the ways God can use us when our hearts are free of bitterness! And oh how we are stuck in a trap of ugly, painful memories when we choose not to let it go.
Resentment is a choice. What will you choose?
I’m writing this post generically, because there are so many people in our lives we can become resentful toward. However, I’m also categorizing this post in our Becoming a Better Help Meet series. If you are choosing to be resentful toward your husband, can I urge you to repent? It’s easy to let bitterness become a part of you when/if your husband continues to hurt you, or fails to listen to you and meet your needs. All of those actions and attitudes hurt…there’s no doubt about it. But don’t choose bitterness. You’re hurting yourself and you’re hurting your marriage.
Nissa Morgan says
This is exactly what I needed to read today! Thank you!!
Cheryl says
I needed this today also! Praise the Lord!
Kate says
I totally agree! I am currently trying to heal from my husband’s unfaithfulness and resentment has been a choice. Once you’ve gotten enough ammunition to fuel it, it’s easy to make the choice. Turning away from it is hard. That’s where I’m at. I’m glad you posted about this today.
Becky J says
I needed this today!
Joanna says
This is amazing that you chose to write this today. I really appreciate it. Thanks for letting God use you through this article!
Brenda says
I needed this today too. I just shared with my FB friends. Thanks so much for what you do!
Kelly says
Hebrews 12:15 says the root of bitterness (what does a root do for a plant??) has defiled many. Defiled many! Bitterness does not just stay within the confines of your mind. If you are bitter, you are defiling (ick!) many. Wow.
Thanks Laura! So glad this is touching so many people. Chop off that root :)
Sarah says
Thank you so much for this!
Sarah
Kathryn Littler-Fuller says
I needed to hear that today. I am stuck in the ‘bitter’ stage(for about 18 months now)and I can’t forgive and don’t seem to be able to let go. Things need to change but changing takes a lot of work, so here I am……stuck:(
Laura says
Forgiveness is SO HARD…letting go is so hard! It does take a lot of work. It wears me out. It makes me mad. On top of that, I’ve had GUILT for knowing that I needed to forgive someone and couldn’t do it.
Time helps. And you’re working toward it…good job! Forgiveness will come!!!
strubleroots says
Thank you for this reminder!
Amy T says
Nice article, always on point. I really enjoy reading your site and look forward to it every day. Thank You
Kate says
Oh my! I just glanced down to see this on my screen after discussing the Marshall Plan with my daughter – how part of the idea was to keep other countries from holding onto the hate of WWII. We then went on to discuss how easy it is for people to say, “This bad thing happened to me and I’m going to hold onto it and not move past it,” how many people do that after a war or after some other awful thing. My grandmother had a miserable childhood and could have spent her life holding onto that awfulness, becoming a bitter, miserable person. But she didn’t. She was a wonderful, hard-working, happy person who always had a smile on her face. She was such a beautiful example of letting it go. One guess who I named my daughter after. :)
Sami says
So true, Laura!!! A godly friend of mine told me once, “Forgetfulness is sometimes a gift. Chose to forget, and pray for forgetfulness.” Really being able to forget would be so freeing! So every time that person comes up in my head, I think, “no, I’ve chosen to forgive and forget” (especially when I’m just offended and the person really didn’t do anything wrong enough to bring up with them, I’m so sensitive sometimes!). It really works!
Pamela says
I am so glad to read this. I stayed home from work today because of the way some people treat us with hatred. This will put my thoughts in a more godly place.
No Name Please says
WOW!! I feel like you are writing this to & for me!! I really needed this right now as I am coming to a crossroad in my life where I must make a decision about my marriage. I know that my husband does not love me anymore & is staying in our marriage because I “beg” him to stay when he attempts to leave. I now realize that I am just being selfish and I should let him get on with his life. We have both gotten away from the lord, me more so then him, and I know this has not helped our situation any. He is truly a wonderful man and I have been an albatross hanging around his neck. We both need to let go of our resentment & bitterness & I guess just move on….it makes me very sad to think of it….
Stephanie Broersma says
Your marriage is worth working for. Maybe you have already tried, but a good Christian counselor is worth searching for to help both of you rekindle your lost love.
Laura says
Ugh, I hurt for you and all you’re going through. Yes, letting go of the hurt and resentment is necessary, but I hate to think that your marriage would be over. Is he willing to work on restoring your marriage? If God can raise Jesus from the dead, He can save your marriage. God bless you both as you seek His will in this. I’m praying for you.
Kate says
I cannot say much about resentment and bitterness as I am both towards my husband, but I do think your marriage is worth learning and growing for. I have been fighting on my own for 3 years and now my husband has decided to fight as well. I’m too tired to fight for a little while so he fights for us both. Remember, the Lord also fights with you too. Even after years apart, I know couples who have restored their marriage.
Elizabeth says
Sorry to butt my way into this conversation but…. I once heard my Pastor say, we sometimes suffer for Christ sake. Maybe when you are struggling in your marriage keeping that in mind might help. I have met many divorced couple who are so much worse of in so many different way’s then when they were married. Hang tough rely on God and God alone. He will pull you through triumphantly.
alli says
No matter how dark and lonely your marriage might be, God can and wants to redeem it! It IS possible to have a glorious and truly fufilling marriage (even if it seems beyond repair at this point)! I read a book called Created To Be His Help Meet written by Debi Pearl (nogreaterjoy.com) and it completely changed my point of view on being a wife and the roll we play as our husband’s help meet. It adresses this subject and so many others. But the best thing about it is how encouraging and life (or marriage) changing it is! It’s a must read for all women who desire a godly marriage whether your husband is a believer or not. When we do our part to honor, respect and serve our husbands even when they don’t deserve it, it is the most powerful way to cause our husbands to love and cherish us
alli says
No matter how dark and lonely your marriage might be, God can and wants to redeem it! It IS possible to have a glorious and truly fufilling marriage (even if it seems beyond repair at this point)! I read a book called Created To Be His Help Meet written by Debi Pearl (nogreaterjoy.com) and it completely changed my point of view on being a wife and the roll we play as our husband’s help meet. It adresses this subject and so many others. But the best thing about it is how encouraging and life (or marriage) changing it is! It’s a must read for all women who desire a godly marriage whether your husband is a believer or not. When we truly let go of bitterness and do our part to honor, respect (not just outwardly but from our hearts) and serve our husbands even when they don’t deserve it, it is the most powerful way to cause our husbands to love and cherish us! I know because I have seen it work miracles in my own marriage!
Kate says
Thank you for your responses. I know God wants to restore our marriage, but He does permit divorce in the case of infidelity and I understand why far too well. I will not have my children thinking my husband’s mistakes are acceptable. So if he continues what he has been doing, our marriage will not be restored. Frankly, I’m okay with that. I have been through enough and my children have been through enough.
Rhoda says
Thank you for these words. I needed to hear/see them today. You are so right–bitterness is a choice. And the conversations in our head–on my! But love is also a choice. Today I choose to love those that have hurt me. God give me the grace to continue in that choice and to replace the bitter conversations with loving prayers.
rose says
Love u so much girl. I went thru all the things u said for a very long time in my life until I got sick. In my body. Almost had a stroke. Thank God for who He is. Being patient with me despite all my justifications for wanting to feel that way. Be blessed for sharing this with the world.
Lyn says
After 20 years of what I thought was a very loving, prayerful marriage, my husband left me. Told me never loved me. Ever. Our marriage was a mistake, he told me. That was last July. I was devistated. Still am, really. But I have forgiven him. I have refused to let bitterness and anger take over my life.
We have three wonderful, incredible boys. I am straightforward (I asked your dad to go on retreat or to go to counseling with me. He said no and we are proceeding with divorce), and remind them not to be bitter (This is terrible and I would do anything to take this pain away, but I am still your mom and have expectations for your behavior. This is not the excuse for all that goes wrong in the rest of your life. God has a plan for us and we need to contiue to seek it. We need to learn from this).
I certainly don’t know what the future will bring, but I refuse to let anger and bitterness rule. That said, I have bad days when I cry and am so sad. There is a difference between forgiveness and healing. I’m working with a counselor myself. Healing will come, I pray. But days like tomorrow, which would be our 21st anniversary, are hard.
Laura says
You are so right that “there is a difference between forgiveness and healing”. I can’t imagine what you’re going through. I’m proud of you for choosing forgiveness. Healing will come, someday. God bless you as you work through this, as you raise your boys, as you hurt, struggle and heal. I’m praying for you.
Amy says
This is very much along the lines of our sermon last Sunday…
”To forgive is to set the prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.” Louis Smedes
was a quote used that really stayed with me. And that as the other poster pointed out- Forgiveness doesn’t mean you are healed, you aren’t hurt, etc.
It’s also recognizing that the sinner sinned against GOD first, not you. And God has already forgiven… How nice it would be if we could always be that gracious.
Cathy says
My Mom was telling me about a houseguest that she had this weekend and my Mom is feeling hurt and unforgiving over an incident. Your message today was sent at just the right time – “there are no coincidences” – so, I thank you as I share your message with her.
Cathy
Waxhaw, NC
h. rae says
It can be so hard to even understand how to let go of bitterness. It’s truly a cancerous disease. But by God’s grace, I have found out that is it possible.
liz says
Perfect! I think a lot of marriages fail because they interpret bitterness as being incompatible with their mate. Sadly this just leads to the discontinuation of a “bad” situation. If they had stopped and recognized what they were doing, they might have seen through the facade of bitterness and returned to love.
Shawna from McKinney Texas says
Being bitter and resentfull is like……drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die; and they don’t even know your trying to poison them! I can relate completely with playing different scenarios in our head on ‘dealing’ with this person we are resentfull and bitter at. That takes up so much time. Time that I could be in prayer or of help to someone that needs an ear or a hug. I have also learned to immidiately pray for the person we’re resentfull towards. It’s hard to stay mad at someone while you’re praying for them.
Mayra says
Laura: thank you! The Lord has been sending me messages in different ways since I am dealing with this for several months. Now I’m getting better and I already forgive but I’m very careful with the person because I know that a simple bad comment from that person can hurt me again and I need to be prepared. I have to pray and be alert before seeing this person. I don’t want to be alert anymore, but I know that the Lord is guiding me and teaching me about forgiveness and humbleness. Resentment really is energy-consuming, sleep depriver and expose the worst of me. I don’t even recognize myself when I’m under its effects! It hides all the positive changes that the Lord had perform in my life. Then, we can conclude that is a tool used to keep us apart from the Lord and stops our spiritual growing.
Christine says
I needed this so much! The Lord is dealing with me on forgiveness, forgiveness toward my dad who sexually abused me as a child(ended almost 20 years ago). I still have contact with him from time to time. At times I think if I hold on to the hurt, the anger, then I am punishing him. But through all he did, if he would surrender to the Lord, he could have the ulimat forgiveness. I do want him to be free of the sin and guilt, but at the same time, I don’t want to be the one to lead him. How terrible of me, I have deep hurts I’m working through with this.
How do you let go of that kind of hurt and extend forgiveness? I told him once right after I got saved that I forgave him, his response was “for what?””” I only did it cause it was the “right” thing to do. I do want to hear him apologize to me, but I have to let that go and do what the Lord is calling me to do! It is sooooooo hard to let go and forgive him.
Laura, Thank you for all that you do on your site!! You are such and HUGE blessing, thank you for allowing the Lord to work through you!
Laura says
When people say “forgive and forget” I cringe a little bit, because with most things and definitely for something like you are describing…I don’t think it’s possible to forget. AND I think that forgiving someone for something like this would surely be a continual thing. You can forgive…and then a painful memory comes up and the scar is ripped open, causing more anger and you have to work toward forgiveness all over again.
God bless you as you are striving to do what is right and to heal from this pain. I’m glad you know your heavenly father and that he shows you unconditional love.
Barb says
Great post. I’ve never thought about bitterness as a choice, but you are right. It definitely is. Forgiveness is hard, but it’s so worth it to let things go.
Cassie says
True very true. Great series
Jennifer Greer says
WOW, what amazing words from all of you!
Laura, I know that God is using you and I am so thankful for that as, I too sit here way past my bed time searching for answers and distraction unable to sleep.*POOF* here you are with exactly what I needed to read.
I am, like the rest of you, dealing with anger and bitterness and it’s got me quite disoriented. I am trying so hard to find the words for what I’m feeling and searching the bible for the words and lessons on how to let go and forgive.
I see my relationship changing drastically with my husband and not fo the better! It’s almost as if I’m watching a car crash and powerless to stop it. Every fiber of my soul is crying out in pain and anguish yet I can’t seem to let go of the wrong I feel he has done to me. I see the way he looks at me and I know his heart is changing and hardening, is it reversible? Oh how I pray it is.
Lord please hear me and all of us who are seeking your grace to forgive and humble ourselves to you and our husbands. Please heal our hearts and free our souls of this chain of bitterness. Let us not allow pride to win over love. With peace in our hearts, minds, and souls may we work to repair what is broken.
AMEN.
Jennifer, Corinth,TX.
elaine says
Beautifully written and perfectly timed! I so identify with those “conversations in my head” — aaaaugh, the multiplied hours I’ve wasted having conversations with myself! So this caught me between the eyes and then I go to church last night and the title of the message was “The Cure for the Common Complaint” and practically every one of the scripture references also had to do with bitterness. Now my toes are black and blue, too!! I’m hard headed but I’m not stupid :) I know that the Lord is calling me to step up a notch and stop letting myself become so easily offended and hurt (particularly the petty stuff). Thanks for sharing your heart on this.
Bonbon says
Very insightful!
1ofeach says
I recently heard a quote, and I will never get this right, but the main point was this: “Unforgiveness/anger/bitterness/resentment is like drinking a poison and expecting the person you’re mad at to die.”
Very eye-opening for me. Thank you for this post!
Serenity Summers says
This was perfect timing! Thanks, Laura!
Rebecca Laird says
I have been in a painful situation for the past several years now, and have just been coming to realize that in this case I need to go to the person who has hurt me. In most cases I try everything in my power to just overlook the offense, but there seems more the Lord wants to do in this situation.
One of the obstacles that makes me fearful is what you mentioned – the friend I need to speak with may not have any idea the effect their actions have had on my heart. It seems so selfish to bring up the issue, but the Lord has been speaking to me this year that I am a real person, too and my feelings are valid and sometimes need to be voiced.
I struggle so much with this very clear instruction in scripture to GO and speak with someone who may have offended us or whom we may have offended. God has made it clear to me that my silence at this point is not honoring to Him …. now I just need to have the grace and strength to do what He’s asking me to do.
Thanks for reminding me to deal with this issue so that healing can come for all involved.
Jim H says
Resentment can sneak upon you before you know it,especially in marriage. The causes of resentment can stem from feeling taken for granted,not bering respected, or just not feeling that your spouse values you.
If resentment in marriage is not fixed it can ultimately destroy a marital relatioinship. Learning to communicate with your spouse and finding alone time to discuss issues is so important