Heya…just wanted to edit this post to clear up any unintended miscommunication about my use of the word “poor”. I am very sorry if any of you found this offensive. I in NO way want to communicate that I think being poor is a bad thing or that I look down on people who are poor.
The thoughts from this post really just came from the fact that my family has a lot of people in our lives that love us, but don’t always understand our frugal lifestyle. If we aren’t careful about how we communicate our “lack of spending” to people, they take our actions as meaning that we “don’t have enough money” and they feel sorry for us or go buy things for us (things that we were intentionally not buying, not because we don’t have the money but because of choices not to spend).
Does that makes sense, or did I just make it worse?! ;)
Recently my husband and I were talking about my torn jammies.
Great conversation piece, huh?
It’s just that in this post I had mentioned that I *only* had two pairs of jammies and one of them was literally falling apart. So, I finally bit the bullet (yum) and bought a new pair. And then I wrote, “When Malachi saw my new jammies he exclaimed with happiness then asked why I got new ones (cause it’s a big day when anyone gets something new around here).”
This led Matt and me to talk about how that may have sounded.
Does that sound like we’ve been too poor for me to buy new pajamas for myself? Does it sound like buying things we need, like new jammies, is just a far off dream?
Oh that poor family. Can’t even afford to get new pajamas for the missus.
I really and truly hadn’t bought new jammies for myself because for Pete’s sake, we are a throw-away-society and I don’t feel the need to throw away the old and buy new things until I really, really need them. That’s why I hadn’t bought new jammies for myself.
Do you ever feel like, because you are carefully watching your pennies and working hard not to spend money on things you don’t need, and trying to get a good deal on the things you do need…that you come across to others as looking…poor? Or cheap?
If we aren’t careful, we might come across that way. Are we the poor family with the stay-at-home-mom who has to make all of their food from scratch and cut every one’s hair herself and put her kids in hand me downs and grow a garden? Are we the poor family who can’t afford family cell phones and frequent eating out and new furniture and new vehicles?
I think it is super important for anyone who is frugal minded to come across to others as people who are happy, cheerful…downright FINE!
Avoid using the words “can’t afford” or “not enough money for…”. You truly may not be able to afford the subject you’re talking about, but those words portray a “poor me” attitude, literally. That attitude will not encourage others to want to spend wisely…it may instead cause others to feel sorry for you and try to avoid being in the state you’re in.
As we talk with others about what we have or don’t have and about what we do or do not spend our money on…I think it is important for us to share in a way that inspires others to want to be wise with their money also. Share your frugality in a way that sounds exciting and attainable! Say things in a way that lets people know that a frugal lifestyle is in no way boring.
Saving money, spending wisely, being frugal…it’s a joy! It’s fun! It works!!
Spread the love!
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This post is linked to Frugal Friday.
Meghan says
Awesome post, Laura! I am someone who used to be very wasteful about money and have transformed into being frugile and wise about spending. It is so fun for me, a game and although we have a long way to go am so proud on how far my family has come in this area.
katherine says
i’d thought nothing of it when i read about your new jammies…it just sounds to me that you don’t spend “frivolously,” which is what we strive for as well.
but now that you say it, i do have a friend who often speaks with a “poor me” attitude when she talks about spending (or not spending). it makes me uncomfortable. we’re surrounded by many high-income-earning friends and my hubs makes a pretty average salary after being out of work for a year, so this post is a great reminder for me to watch the way i speak! i do want to encourage others to be excellent stewards of the resources they’ve been given, no matter how much or little.
Becky C says
Your jammies sound like my jammies. I just took the pant legs, cut them to the knee (a little longer) hemmed them, and used the bottom of the legs to fix the holes in the top. Now I have jammies for the summer as well as the winter!!!! Super duper frugal, and I love them!!!!
Rachel says
My jammies want to grow up to be your jammies I think!
Sometimes I wonder why I hang onto jammies for 5+ years?!? :)
My sister in law got me a new pair for christmas this year… JOY!
Sandee says
I didn’t think twice about your comment about getting new things. We must just be on the same page. A girl I know is always complaining about how poor they are and it is SO AWKWARD! I never know what to say. It’s not like we’re raking in the dough, but we live frugally (unlike this girl) and certainly have been very blessed. My husband and I are going on a cruise for our anniversary in May and paid cash for it, and I’m dreading the time that this same girl is going to ask about it. I don’t know why finances have to be such a touchy subject. Anyway, there wasn’t really much of a point to all that other than I’m glad that there are others out there like me… aka you… frugal, thrifty, and HAPPY about it.
Great post as usual. :)
Jennie says
I absolutely agree. Our culture promotes products designed to be out-of-style or obsolete before they are worn out, encouraging many people to fall into a cycle of endless shopping, with little regard for whether something can still be used as is or can be repurposed. At some point, it’s not about being frugal, it’s about being responsible stewards–of money, goods, and resources!
Janet says
You hit the nail exactly on the head! And our culture is driven by marketing whose express purpose is to get us to throw it away and buy another one – repeat customers is what it’s all about. Good enough quality that they will come back, but not so good that they won’t need to come back! In general I fight that mindset, but found myself thinking along those lines recently. My son needed shoes, and he is just getting to the point of not outgrowing sizes so quickly. For awhile I couldn’t find anything of quality that was reasonably priced and found myself thinking “Well he will probably enjoy getting new shoes before he outgrows these anyway.” Then we found some New Balance for $30, and I was glad he’s homeschooled because I think lots of boys would think they’re not cool!
Jessie says
This is great! Good point. I honestly don’t even know how I might come across to people. I’m going to start paying more attention to what I say and how I say it!
Julie says
We have a lot of friends and family who do the poor me talk. I have a hard time deciding how to help people who are in need because of this. most of the people we know make twice as much or more than we do and have no kids or 2 kids. We have 6 kids. I tell some of them when they say they are to poor to visit an African village for a few days then tell me they are poor. We are so blessed in america we forget sometimes about others. We need to Also try to remember those in america who really are poor and need help.
Lois says
Great post, Laura! Money is a touchy subject, and it cracks me up when people with a lot more $$$$ than we have moan and groan about not being able to afford one thing or another. People usually afford what they believe is priority, and it’s funny what that is for different people.
(Another story about me!) My great aunt, who definitely was poor by anyone’s standards, wore a bathrobe so old you could see through it. My mom was visiting, and she couldn’t even tell what color it used to be, it was so worn. She decided to purchase, for a whole quarter at the thrift store, an almost-new bathrobe for her aunt. She knew her aunt was too proud to accept charity, so she made a big to-do about how CHEAP she had bought it. Her aunt was blown away, but insisted she would keep the bathrobe until “the old one wore out.”
I’m glad you have new jammies.
Lois says
One more thing…..I highly recommend The Tightwad Gazette. That book spoke to my thrift sensibilities more than anything else. Her attitude toward tightwaddery is much like yours.
Catherine says
Did it feel nice to have new PJs? My children and I rarely get brand new items (partly because we are frugal and partly because we are a one-income family trying to balance our budget and save for a house) so getting something that really is new is a thrilling special treat and I like it that way. Does that mean I am a *sad* SAHM who deprives my children? I don’t think so. I hope they are learning to recycle and be thankful for what they do have rather than constantly yearning after things they cannot have.
Harp364 says
I found this slightly offensive…is there something wrong with being “poor” ? You seem to going out of your way to make sure people know you’re not. Is there a difference between you cutting your kid’s hair and a woman in poverty cutting her kid’s hair?
People throw the word “poor” around a lot when they’re not actually poor. I’m not sure the people actually living in poverty would find it amusing.
Basically the way I read your post is “Oh no! Someone might have thought I was POOR from reading that post! I must amend this!” Sure, there’s a difference between being ‘poor’ and being ‘frugal’ or even ‘cheap’. But who is to say one is better over another?
Laura says
There is absolutely nothing wrong with being poor. I appreciate you pointing out how my post might sound if taken the wrong way and I do apologize for offending you.
I really just meant to point out that because we are so blessed, we really need to watch how we talk about “not being able to afford” something. We may not purchase something because we don’t feel like it’s a wise use of our money, but we really need to recognize that because so many of us have all of our needs met and then some, we truly are rich and need to recognize it and not act like we want people to feel sorry for us.
I’m probably botching this explanation as much as I did the post. I TRULY didn’t mean to do anything but encourage us all to recognize our attitudes when we do something to save money…to make sure we’re understanding the joy of our choices and sharing that with others.
Harp364 says
I do understand what you’re saying–that was just my first reaction.
:)
Laura says
I’m really glad you pointed out how it could have sounded. I knew what I meant, but no one else is in my head. :) I just added a little blurb at the top of the post to hopefully clear up any confusion about my intent.
hi kooky says
When I’m discussing money with the boys, I try and say “That’s not what we’re choosing to spend our money on.” Then I explain how we decide to spend based on priorities. I grew up hearing “We can’t afford it,” and it gave me feelings of insecurity. I want the boys to know that being in charge of your money and spending wisely is powerful, even if resources are scarce! I want them to know they have choices, and to spend mindfully.
Andrea says
That’s a good point. That would have made me insecure too.
shorty says
I really like your post, it makes you think! I do say we can’t afford and I hate when I say it. I just am not sure what to say!lol I don’t want the boys to feel like we are poor but we can not afford many things they want, mostly junk food!lol How can I word it in a way that isn’t the poor me? I would love some ideas that don’t need explaining. (explaining to the boys every time I say it) Just a quick response, know what I mean? We are NOT poor in the sense of poor. We have EVERYTHING we need but we have no extra so I tend to say we can’t afford more than I would like. Thank you for this post
Shorty
ps-nothing wrong with being poor but for my family even if we are poor I want to have a good attitude about it. God has been so good to us and I have no reason not to rejoice in what we do have.
Em. says
I also had a knee jerk “What’s wrong with being poor?!” reaction to the beginning of this post, but after reading it all the way through I can see that isn’t what you were trying to convey. I agree that scarcity talk is dangerous (not to mention really ungrateful to G-d for all the good things we do have …), and that we should focus on what we have rather than what we don’t.
By contrast, though, I’m also really uncomfortable with the value society puts on having oodles of money bey default making being “middle class” the minimum and “rich” the preference. There are some of us who don’t meet those requirements (and probably never will) and are completely ok with it. It’s good to embrace poverty for the joy and contentment it can bring just as equally as any other income bracket, if that’s the one you find yourself in. Spending yourself into poverty? Not so cool. Living in poverty because that’s where this season of life (jobs, geography, circumstance, choice) puts you and loving it? Something we, as a society, should probably be a lot more ok with.
Does that make sense? I’m feeling like I’ve muddled this up.
Christine M from France says
Being poor or rich is not only a matter of money : we are soooo rich with our children and with the love we share !!
And we never talk about”affording” or “having enough money to buy this or that”, but I use the word “budget”, which is a much more positive way of telling that you choose every part of your spendings. We both work for a great phone company which applies low cell phone charges for the employees, but our children did not become cell phones until they really needed them (18), for example..
And Laura, my jammies are also very old, but I love them this way and I don’t need new ones…
Thank you for this great blog !
Julie in Australia says
Great post Laura. This is something very important to me. While hubby was studying we lived on a very low income. In contrast we are now able to afford pretty much anything we choose. We live in a very affluent area and are surrounded by families who buy alot of “stuff” especially for their children ie computer type games etc.
Consequently, many times we are asked by our children especially, why don’t we buy “this” or “that”. Benny next door has it and I would like one too.” We respond to this time and again with “Mum and Dad need to decide if this is how we want to spend our money. Yes we can afford it but we also need to consider if this is a wise purchase.” We also try to give the kids an idea of opportunity cost. For example, we used to by small presents for the children in a few families, each Christmas. We realised that we were spending about $80 in total. If the four families combined this money, the $320 could go along way with World Vision. The kids embraced the idea and understood very quickly that their $10 token gift could easily be forgone.
Thanks for letting me ramble on
Julie in Australia
Kate says
I have become so used to not buying things unless I really need them that mostly i don’t give it another thought. that is until i go out with my friends, who talk about how they have bought a new dress or a new car or anew this etc etc, then I feel poor.
But so what i’m not so it is only a state of mind and my own insecurities.
I feel good about myself not being wasteful or over indulgent and that’s enough to keep me on the frugal path.
Hezzie lee says
I own 3 pair of shoes. Total. I dont feel I need more than that. I wear jeans with holes in the knee, because they’re comfortable. I cut my son’s hair, so that I can give him a haircut whenever I want. I have used the same purse, year-round, for 5+ years, because it’s not necessary to have a new one- this one is still nice. I read Laura’s Blog because I think the ideas and lifestyle she has are inspiring a positive and healthy way of life for me and my family. God Bless and Carry on, Laura!!
Sonja says
I had to add on to a couple of the posts on here. I think where my frustration lies is the peer pressure to spend what you may or may not have. When we were first married, we had NO money, and no one said anything to us about “stuff”. Many years later and with a lot of hard work (and a bit of a learning curve) we have created a life where my husband makes a great income and I can stay home with our four. Our frugal lifestyle is one of choice now, but comes with it’s own set of comments from people such as, “Your kids only get WHAT at Christmas?!” if we don’t spend it, or “You went on vacation WHERE?” if we do. This is usually followed up by, “Well you can do that cuz your RICH…” That coupled with a co-worker who is constantly telling my husband about the latest, greatest whatever he just bought, or family members who think we live in a “cold” house because we choose to not fill it with stuff and rather spend our money on our kid’s education reminds me to keep my mouth shut about money all the way around. My only hope is that our kids learn the value of hard work and using your money wisely and not foolishly, saving for what you want and giving to those who truly need.
Amy Lynne says
I think people feel like my family is having a hard time because we don’t go out to eat or travel or what ever. The truth is we don’t like to eat out because the food isn’t that great, the service usually isn’t wonderful, and it is expensive to feed 3 boys (who can’t get full from a kid plate) plus a moma and daddy. I sit there and figure out how much it would have cost me to make it myself and not be stressed about being out in a restaurant where they are trying to hurry you out. We choose to live how we live because it makes us happy. I hope more people will start living this way too!
Denai says
From being on both sides of this coin (VERY POOR GROWNING UP, and feeling POOR sometimes now… BUT we are not)
I myself do not struggle with this. I have always had a “IF YOU ARE NOT HAPPY WITH WHAT YOU ALREADY HAVE, YOU WILL NOT BE HAPPY WITH MORE!” attitude, my husband on the other hand does not have that same attitute! BUT we are working on that :-)
We did take a NEW family vow this year….
THE YEAR OF SIMPLICITY!!!!!
Keep things simply; use what we have, borrow what we need, lend what others can use, sell what is of value that we no longer want, and give away all that we can that is just sitting around!
AND I also took a personal vow to NOT buy any NEW clothes this year, (except for undies, bras, socks, Speg. strap tanks (I wear these all summer, and if I can find them used, I will of course purchase them!) and shoes, although some shoes will be used!) I will only buy from the thrift stores… YOu can see a blog post about it here http://randombitsofknowledge.blogspot.com/2010/02/thrift-stores-rock.html
We have many people wonder HOW WE DO IT, I just tell them, “GOD HAS NEVER LET US DOWN, EVER!!!” (sometimes I have to remind my husband that also!!!)
HUNIE says
I enjoyed reading this post! I have embraced my more frugal ways and spread “the love” all the time! People might think I am off, but they do enjoy hearing about the deals I come up with throughout the week. Recently, I finally purchased six pairs of shoes because my shoes were so disgusting (Hubby wouldn’t come near them…), but made sure to purchase them all at 70% to 80% off.
I also purchase five new denim skirts that were very much needed. I hadn’t purchased a new skirt in three years and I am a little bit proud I held off for so long.
Nowadays I make my own lotion and it is so nice that people are buying it from me! I use the organic coconut oil as my base-it is fabulous to be frugal!
HUNIE says
I enjoyed reading this post! I have embraced my more frugal ways and spread “the love” all the time! People might think I am off, but they do enjoy hearing about the deals I come up with throughout the week. Recently, I purchased six pairs of shoes because my shoes were so disgusting (Hubby wouldn’t come near them…), but made sure to purchase them all at 70% to 80% off.
I also purchased five new denim skirts that were very much needed. I hadn’t purchased a new skirt in three years and I am a little bit proud I held off for so long.
Nowadays I make my own lotion and it is so nice that people are buying it from me! I use the organic coconut oil as my base-it is fabulous to be frugal!
Jessica says
GREAT post! My mom taught me HER frugal ways from little on (we did “Dave Ramsey” before he was even born!!) It’s been a way of life for us. Thanks for the reminder to watch how we word things though, it DOES make the difference.
Today, my 11 year old son asked me to use Freecycle to find him a “want” not a “need” – guess my little ones are learning early too!
Karen says
Interesting post and I agree on most points. However, I don’t see anything wrong in being truthful with others (and especially your kids!) when the plain truth is “we can’t afford it”. When did our society get to the point that saying “we can’t afford it” is shameful? No matter what your “class” status is, there is always something you can’t afford versus the choice not to spend your money that way. I happily share frugality tips with friends and family. My frugality has afforded us a weekend cabin. But when asked to go somewhere or do something that is truly beyond our means, I’ll stick with the truth. I can’t afford it.
PJ says
Wow! I just wrote something similar on my blog yesterday! I couldn’t quite put my finger on how I was feeling, and you said it so eloquently. Loved your post.
Susan says
That’s the way I am espically when it comes to myself. I don’t throw any clothes away until ther are falling apart.
Meagan says
Hi Laura!
Great post today! I am currently working very hard at becoming a more frugal person and everyone I know takes it the wrong way! Even though I absolutely love couponing and trying to save money wherever I can, most people take it as “oh, she doesn’t have the extra $4 to spend on groceries… how sad!” That is in NO WAY how it is! I enjoy finding ways to save as much money as I can! Why pay full price if you have a coupon for it, right? I am also currently working very hard praying that my husband becomes more frugal and embraces the ‘less expensive’ things in life. It is a constant struggle in our relationship because although we have plenty to live on, he does not make the best money choices!
Keep up with the great posts! I thoroughly look forward to reading your blog on a daily basis!
Missy says
Very insightful post, I really get what you are saying! I have to admit, I don’t think I’ve ever thought about how our comments regarding money have encouraged or discouraged others, what a great perspective you have on this!
Michelle says
Several months before I was laid off, my husband and I decided to make the decision to start living much more frugally. We sat down and realized that my entire income (over 50% of the total) was completely wasted. It was used eating out and buying new things, extra car payments and extravagant vacations.
Well, sure enough, I was laid off. We are now able to live completely comfortably without my income and I can stay home and take care of my little boy and my baby on the way. Are we poor? No, but are we living frugally, yes! I know that many of our family members feel sorry for us because we used to have so much excess and now I cook from scratch and grow a garden. Oh, and the worst “offense” of all- I now use cloth diapers! *GASP!!!!!*
Honestly, initially it took an adjustment, but we are so much happier now than we ever were while I was working. Not to mention, this is the best quality time I have ever had with my husband and son!
The Things We Do says
I don’t know about your other readers but I don’t read into your post and judge you. =0) You and I must think alike enough that I know what you mean and you don’t have to explain.
Having said that, it was still a great post! You are gifted at communicating in the written word. I can relate to so many things you write about….especially this one topic.
Have a great weekend, Laura!
Christy says
I swear we;(you and I) were separated at birth! I am so happy I stumbled upon and receive your awesome daily blog! Again…you are myself ALL OVER!
I think by being frugal is the complete opposite of poor. We are so rich in thousands of other ways! I just hate buying something that I can make myself :) I too as a mom, always wait until my shoes have no soles until I buy more. A new outfit would be wonderful, but I proudly wear my shirts that may be less than perfect…the kids will ruin them anyways ;) I have never felt more complete then keeping my family afloat from all my handmade goodies and being thrifty! As a final note, to look at the weathly people and all their toys, luxury items, new everything, ….they are so so poor in so many ways. *not all of them* But I bet a good number are just not as honestly happy as US!!!
Jaime Kiser (Countrymama) says
I wasn’t offended at all but I can see how people can be. You mentioned having a hard time explaining your lifestlye to others and being looked down upon and I can relate. Recently I told my Dad how proud I was that I was able to make 3 meals from a whole chicken and a handful of other ingredients. Here I was beaming with pride that I made the most out of every resource and his reply was “yeah, I used to do stuff like that when I was poor.” I was SO offended! In anger I told him it had nothing to do with poor, it was about the fact that I had learned the skills that made it possible for me to be so thifty! Could I have spent the money on those other meals yes but why? I don’t need everything store bought to prove my worth to anyone and the money I saved means that I can stock up on things or at least not stress so much about funds.
Personally I want to learn from those who society deams “poor” and how they make the most of what they do have. In the blink of an eye we could all be sitting in that boat if we aren’t careful. Having everything money can buy still won’t ensure happiness so I’ll take my simple life and all the love that comes with it.
Kris Mays says
Thanks for this post, Laura. I understood your meaning right off and am convicted about my own comments to my children about how we “don’t have the money” for this or that, but they see us spending it on something else (something other than what they requested) and don’t understand how ee can’t have the money. Guess I have some explaining to do to our kids so they are not confused.
Kris Mays says
Sorry for the big run on sentence. You’d never know I was an English major. Shameful!
Jenna says
Funny that your post is so timely! My husband and I just had a “discussion” (sort of an argument actually) because I have really tried hard to embrace a more frugal lifestyle. (I’m getting there.); mostly at this point to try to pay down some debt. Tired of living check to check! But my hubby grew up with a very materialistic family and he gets very angry when I act like we don’t have any money. I guess I’m unsure what to say either. If I act like we have money and are choosing not to buy things, hubby’s mother whines to him about things (materialistic things) she wants and if she whines enough he will get them for her (even if we don’t have the money for him to do that). So, I put on a “poor face” so that she realizes we just don’t have it! But, then he’s mad that I’m acting like we don’t have any money. Its a fine line to walk I tell ya!
Anyway, I understood where you were coming from in your post. When I substitute “pitiful” for “poor” in your post, it makes sense. (pitiful – as in feeling sorry for yourself).
Like another commenter, I’m just not sure how to handle these questions. I also find myself very resentful of people who are so wasteful and yet continue to complain about not having “enough”.
I would welcome how better to handle issues when you are choosing not to spend and how to convey that message better without sounding pitiful…
Jeanna
Lindsey @ The Herbangardener says
You said it!!! I love this post.
When we portray the victim mentality while talking about frugality, we perpetuate the money-greedy, throw-away society mindset!
Danielle says
I didn’t think of it that way Laura. Of course we aren’t poor, or anywhere near it. of course, in our church, we don’t make negative confessions. God doesn’t desire anyone to be poor.
Back to the jammies… I don’t think my hubby would like holey jammies lol. of course he doesn’t like jammies period, but that’s another topic lol. but for some it’s all about keeping warm.
I think I know what you mean. It does perpetuate a stigma, well they HAVE to be frugal, I mean really, who would do that willingly? I have to admit in the beginning I felt that way. Then I realize how much money we could save! There are some I won’t do, I won’t say what I won’t do… don’t want to offend anyone. but I do love making more foods from scratch!
clare says
I live in Ontario. They consider the poverty level for a family of four to be 35471.00 a year. We live on 21000, so in the governments eye we are poor. In our eyes we pay the bills on time, there is always food in the cupboard, we have a roof over our heads and we have the love of the family. I am proud to be “poor”. Clare
Melinda says
I KNOW EXACTLY what you mean! I grew up with a mother that watched our pennies, because she had to. We had more than enough of everything and she taught me WONDERFUL life lessons about being frugal. I have a doctorate degree and don’t HAVE to watch things so closely, but I do. I get some funny comments at times but like someone else said, it has become a game to see how LITTLE I can spend. I don’t have to worry about money and can give freely. I’ve started cooking more from scratch since finding your blog and LOVE reading about people who actually think the same way I do!!! he he he Keep up the good work!!
niki says
If people thought I was poor, I would take that as a compliment! I try very hard to be frugal with the resources we have. If people make remarks that I am a cheapskate or whatever, I take it with a grain of salt. Everyone chooses to live differently.
angie says
How many pairs of jammies does one person need? Seriously you can only wear one pair at a time. That is also my feelings toward everything else! The less material stuff we have the less cluttered we can live. Your go girl!!!
Brooke says
You don’t have to explain yourself! Thank you for your wonderful posts and creative food ideas that keep our family happy. I enjoy reading your blog everyday!
Thanks for all you do.
Pam says
I totally tracked with you and appreciated this post!
Leah says
I’ve read your blog for awhile now and totally understand the pajama issue….why would I spend large amounts of money on something I’m going to sleep in when I could spend it on cocoa to make delicious cocoa/applesauce brownies???!
I was very excited to find some very nice winter and summer pajamas on major clearance and replaced my worn-out ones…that’s the way to shop! What a way to have your cake (or pajamas) and eat it (or cocoa/applesauce brownies) too!
Thanks for the great healthy recipes…I use them all the time!
Alison says
As always, thank you for sharing Laura :)
Briana says
I have a friend who is so frugal and I greatly respect all the effort she puts into it. My kids and hers were having a playdate once and one of her girls asked if we could all go to Chick Fil A for lunch to which the mom replied, “No.” When the daughter pressed her about it, the mom’s reply was provoking to me. She said something to the effect of, “We’re not choosing to spend our money that way today.”
From then on, I adopted that phrase into my vocabulary, especially for the benefit of my kids.
I always felt like it wasn’t completely true to say, “We can’t afford that,” b/c really, we could afford it if we wanted to. We’d just have to give up other things perhaps.
And, like you are trying to communicate through this post, I didn’t want my children to adopt some kind of “poor us” mentality from me saying, “we can’t afford that”.
Granted, there are things we cannot afford, and I will say that and explain that to my children when it’s appropriate.
But, for many things they ask for, I prefer to say now, “Mommy and Daddy have decided we’re not going to spend our (or even say GOD’s) money that way.” IT leads into a great conversation about stewardship.
Shannon says
Excellent post and great points. I just love being frugal but I think my friends and family feel sorry for me. Quite the opposite. I get such a joy out of it. Yesterday I bought a new skirt for $10 that was beautiful. It was so fun finding that great of a deal that I love it more than I would a $50 skirt.
Theresa says
My husband and I have had heated discussions as recently as this morning about this. He says I am giving the kids a “we are poor” mentality, while I think he makes them think that we have an endless stream of money. I see his point, but I want our children to know that we have a certain amount of money, and we need to be wise with how we spend it. I think it would be wrong to accumulate more debt to keep up a lie, than to teach kids that we have what we have, and we need to be content with that. Your post is a wonderful help to me. I need to find a balance, and not react badly when money topics arise.
Thanks!
Lisa says
We talked about this issue recently with friends and I shared that we don’t talk about ‘not being able for afford’ things, because often it’s a choice how we allocate funds more than it is affording things. (Saving, giving etc.) So here I tell my kids “That’s not a good use of the money God has given us”… it’s a mouthful, but it works and I like teaching my kids that all the money we have comes from God and we are responsible for how we spend it.
And I’ve never thought how I appear to others, but being frugal actually ends up being quite eco-friendly and that’s all the rage, so we are the cutting edge of this new movement… HA!
Rebecca says
We were raised “poor”. What does that mean? Frugal. Homegrown gardens, hand-me-downs, no car payments–driving used vehicles, making do with what we had. We live similarly now with our children. However, I see no reason for anyone to go around in ratty pajamas. We live in a very rural area and have a Goodwill and a Salvation Army nearby. I also yard sale all summer long, spending anywhere from 25cents to $1 for a pair of pjs for my kids. As for me, I wear my husband’s tshirts and I bought a couple pairs of lounge pants at yard sales for next to nothing. In fact, I regulary outfit my kids in yard sale finds, building their wardrobes for the next season. Even if you are saving or cutting back, etc., you can’t beat those yard sales! We are a homeschool family living on 1 income and according to the government, we are at poverty level and have always (even growing up) lived “at poverty level” and had plenty. I also have a sewing machine and have made my kids clothes before. My mom is an excellent seamstress (I am so-so but would be better if I tried harder at it) so she can sew for my kids as well but honestly, it’s cheaper just to yard sale. I didn’t have time to read all the comments so maybe yard saling/sewing your own clothes was mentioned and sorry if this is a repeat but, honestly, clothes are cheap, sewing can be inexpensive as well so I just don’t understand wearing things that are literally falling apart. If I needed new pjs, I would yard sale them or find them on clearance when they were really cheap (or make them, my mom used to make us the prettiest, warm flannel jammies). God wants us to be good stewards but I think He wants us to do our best with what He provides as well. Just a thought!
Cara @ Health Home and Happiness says
I usually say, “I don’t want to spend ____ on ___” For example; I don’t want to spend $40 on a shirt from Eddie Bauer when I can usually find something great for $1.99 at the Goodwill, also Eddie Bauer :o)
Dave Ramsey says that ‘poor’ is a mindset but ‘broke’ is a temporary situation. We happen to be broke and in debt right now, but oh so rich!
Carrie N says
Great post! I try to watch how I word things using “That isn’t a priority right now” or “We don’t need more…”
I need to be extra conscious of how I word things. 5 years ago we had a huge split level house, a new mini-van, and a 3 income family. My husband and I both put in 50+ hour weeks and our kids spent more time at Grandma’s then at home. Since then, we’ve changed our home and vehicles, I only work a few hours a week and my husband just took a job with less pay (and hours). But there are people (relatives) who don’t understand that this was a decision we made and treat us as though we are “poor.”
Does anyone know how to politley stop people from giving you stuff?
valirie says
We have to lock our car doors when the gardens in town produce squash. Everyone tries to give everyone else bags of squash whether you are poor or not. Just sayin!
Mandy says
Awesome post yet again… you sum up my feelings :)I think most people think we are too cheap and others might wonder if we are just really poor and I will admit that if you saw us at our on the farm (all wearing patched up clothes and clothes given to us by others (cause if your willing to part with them I am willing to take them :) ) ) we do come across looking a bit rough.. my husband and I just don’t see the sense in spending money on things we really don’t need.
Love the last two lines of your post
MOMMAO2BOYS says
HI, JUST LOVE THE WEBSITE.
I ALSO DON’T BUY “NEW” CLOTHES UNLESS I NEED THEM.-like trying to fit into clothes after baby.
I’M 32 AND MANY FRIENDS ASK HOW I “LEARNED” how to save money-i say just the same way a lot people today “learn” how to spend money without thinking. (but i really owe all the credit to my frugal grandma and mom-gotta love all the great hints i’ve gotten over the years.)
apparently we are not normal because we think about were the money we earn is being spent.
thanks for such and encouraging website
momma o 2boys
Holly says
Wow, good post thank you. I accept that my thriftiness is a necessity and yet also a choice. I’m ok with it. I even ENJOY the challenges of staying on budget. I mean, if you’re going to fall in love with a man in a uniform, you’d better be prepared to squeeze your pennies until they bleed dimes. :) I too use the phrase “not a priority” a lot. It reminds me that yeah, we have a plan and we have priorities and going to a movie with friends isn’t one of them.
Kathy says
A phrase I recently learned to use is “I(we) could, but I (we) CHOOSE not to. It reminds me – and whomever is listening – that we DO have a choice, and that we are consciously exercising that choice. Thank you to Beth Moore for teaching me that one!
beth f says
thanks for this post…i totally agree!! it was a joy to read, might post it on my site(from you, of course!!) thanks!
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Ashley says
I can relate all too well to what you are saying. I don’t buy things, especially for myself, unless I can’t make do with what I have. My in-laws don’t get it, and they are constantly buying us “stuff they think we need”. We have recently been able to truly convince them (I think) that we have MORE than enough money for the things we need, we just choose not to run out and buy things on a whim.
Donna says
I thought I was the only person on earth who would wear jammies until they fall off me. LOL
Of course they aren’t exactly “romantic”. My DH says “isn’t it time to retire them?” My excuse is ‘who else sees them but me and you?’
Anyone have other family members who aren’t on the same page with budgeting? I desperately try to save in all areas of our expenses, but I tend to get sabotaged by kids and husband. How do you make the rest of the family understand that every penny counts?
ANna Marie says
My belief has been that I need to make an effort to be attractive even to just my husband and myself – he is the most important person on the world to me and he has to look at what I go to bed in. a happy marriage is one of the most cost effective habits around – ask anyone getting a divorce! A good pair of jammies can last for many years – which is the definition of economical.
Dorothy says
I too agree about being “frugal” is not being the same as “being poor”. We were a two income family, but recently we have both retired. Now our two incomes are Social Security, with a little pension money. Being at home 24/7 is new to me. I still want to work, but my body says “NO”. So I am retired. I have always been frugal, the story about the pj’s being very old hit home. I FINALLY threw away a pair that I know were at least 15 years old, talk about threadbare!. I did purchase 2 new pairs. Right now my internet service is a priority, I would rather have internet than new clothes. So now it’s a matter of priority, so being frugal around here is a matter of priority.
cindy says
Thanks for the gentle reminder. In quiet moments I try to explain to the kids why we spend on some things and not others (like a pool in the back yard) when were are in the store and rushing and surrounded I usually just say “that’s not on the list this time” my kids will even now ask “is… on the list?” “Can we put… on the list sometime?” It gives them the power to influence decisions, and then I know what is important to them vs. Squirrel!