I had another Help Meet post all sweetly written up to encourage you to empower your husband to be better. But that one is going to have to wait.
You know why? Because there are marriages all around me that are hurting and falling apart. If I hear of one more marriage break up from people that I love and care about, I’m just going to scream! Right now I’m mad. I’m mad and I’m sad and my heart is broken. I’m mad at Satan for destroying marriages and I’m mad at couples for letting Satan do what he loves and is so good at doing. Christians and non-Christians alike are letting Satan win. Stop it. Stop it!!! Stop it!!!!!
If your marriage is less than wonderful…you don’t get to cop out. You DON’T! You don’t get to say, “Laura, I know what the Bible says…but you just don’t know what I’ve been through in my marriage.”
You know what I keep hearing from couples who are deciding to split up? “We’ve had trouble for years.” “There have been issues in our marriage for years.” “We’ve always had really difficult things to work through in our marriage.”
Oh, really? You’ve had trouble for years? How shocking! Name one married couple that hasn’t “had trouble for years”! Everyone always thinks their troubles are harder to work through than anyone else’s troubles. And so…working through them just doesn’t seem like an option.
You want to know why your marriage is difficult? It’s because marriage is difficult! It’s because two sinners married each other and have to try to figure out how to live together in harmony with God in the center. Satan hates what you’re trying to do and he’s going to do everything he can to destroy you. It’s a spiritual battle. So yes, THAT is difficult.
If your marriage is in ANY kind of trouble…PLEASE GET HELP! Before it’s too late. Too many couples are ashamed or embarrassed or too full of pride to ask for help. Then they are divorced before anyone who loves them has a chance to help. Please, please don’t do that. I beg you.
Asking for help is hard. Asking for help means you may face the opportunity to be convicted of your own sin. Or be asked to offer forgiveness to your spouse. Or to let go of bitterness. Or to change something difficult about the way you are living. Those things are going to be gut-wrenchingly difficult. Awful. Painful.
But who are you living for? If you’re living for yourself, then by all means go right ahead and give up on your marriage. If you’re living for yourself, it won’t matter to you how much you hurt your children, your friends, your family, your church and your spouse. As long as you feel like you are going to be “better off”, then go ahead and do whatever you want to do.
But if you are truly striving to live for Jesus, I’m going to beg you to please let go of yourself and all the fears you have about forgiveness and change…and please humbly accept help.
I’ve watched some of my friends walk through extremely difficult marital issues…and they survived! Their marriages have been in the trenches…and with God’s incredible strength…they have dug themselves out and come out on the other side with a new marriage to each other! It’s been beautiful to watch! They wanted to quit. They wanted to leave. But they worked and they fought and they sweated and they cried and they learned how to let go of the bondage that was keeping them from the kind of joy God purposes for a marriage. They did it and so can you!!
Please let God help heal your marriage. Your children deserve your hard work and so do you.
Disclaimers and some of the “Yeah Buts”: Please know that I’m not writing to condemn anyone. I know some of you have been through tremendous trials in your marriage. I know some of you are divorced. Some of you have endured physical abuse. Some of you had spouses who refused to stay married to you no matter how hard you tried or what you did to make it work. Some of you needed to get out of a marriage because your children were being sexually abused. I really am writing this post because while those are legitimate reasons to split, those reasons are VERY FEW, and the issues I’ve heard of recently are SO VERY FIXABLE!!! And that is why my heart cried out in this post.
And now, I’m going to go hug and appreciate my precious husband. If we’ve learned anything by watching friends and loved ones break up and divorce, it has been that we MUST go to great lengths to protect and nurture our marriage together. My husband and I are prayerfully clinging to one another right now…and I’d like to encourage you and your spouse to do the same. Your marriage depends on it.
Meloney Lindsey says
‘Created To Be His Helpmeet’ is a wonderful book that is very bold about the wife’s role in saving a marriage. Debbie Pearl is so bold about the wife’s duty to her husband. I love love love this book. I am a first generation homemaker and this book has taught me soooo much. I would that all women would read this book,(there is probably a copy at your library!) but especially someone with marital problems. What I learned has definately strengthened my marriage, and we are both happier for it!:)
Danielle says
See and I think this is the worst possible book to read. I DON’T recommend anyone reading it.
To say it’s ALL about submission is to say it’s ALL the woman’s fault.
Merry Jo says
Did you ever read it?
Danielle says
Actually I have… and then I threw it out.
Andrea says
See, I didn’t see it so much saying “It’s all the woman’s fault” just that “you can only change yourself” and the book is written to women. I agree that I wish there was a companion book out there for men, but I really think it is amazing how much influence God gives us women over our men. I think this book is invaluable in situations where women find themselves completely alone in their desire to work on or change their marriage. It gives them direct instruction and biblical support to help them “win their husbands without a word.” Awesome.
I agree that this book takes a LOT of getting used to and can seem really antagonistic, but she is just really direct. This book has saved a LOT of marriages too, so just because it isn’t your cup of tea, please don’t throw out the baby with the bathwater!
Love your comments, Danielle. I wish I could know you in person. You seem like such a fun person to know, and you always have interesting things to say. :) God bless.
Danielle says
Thanks Andrea, you’re so kind! That truly blessed me. Sometimes I do
wonder if I come of harshly, especially when I’m passionate about something.
This book really did rub me the wrong way. I guess you could say different strokes for different folks. Maybe it would work for others, but not me. I deleted the rest of this post. It went way off topic.
I just want to reiterate… it’s not always being submissive. You are a GREAT wife just as you are!
Sherri says
Loved this book!!!!
Kris says
This book changed my marriage. After months of praying that God would strengthen and change my marriage, since it was not a happy one, a acquaintance told me about this book. I read it and my marriage has never been better. So I agree, I love “Created to be his Help Meet”.
Amanda says
Amen sister. I’ve been right there with you. I have begged people….even the night before the divorce papers were signed…praying with them, begging them, setting up appointments with ministers to help….but to no avail. Then even after swearing she was not going to do anything but pursue Jesus after the divorce she was already involved with a “Christian” within 8 months of the divorce. Never mind the two daughters that are now tossed back and forth between two parents who hate each other and use them as pawns. It does make me so mad. My marriage isn’t perfect. I got married at 18 and brought all the emotional baggage of a childhood filled with rejection from an alcoholic father. I brought unrealistic expectations for him to be my idol and my god. I expected him to fulfill all my loneliness and lack of self esteem and quickly found out that wasn’t working. And now, even after nearly 14 years of marriage, the enemy still from time to time drags me down that road and causes bitterness and anger to rise up inside me, but praise the Lord, through prayer and REAL FRIENDS who will tell me like it is and reprove (and even rebuke if necessary) my flesh, and PRAYER! LOTS AND LOTS OF PRAYER AGAINST THE ENEMY! We are still holding on. We have one beautiful 3 year old boy and just found out we are expecting another in January. The real turn happened when I realized that my husband was NOT MY ENEMY, but SATAN IS MY ENEMY! Like a roaring lion he wants my marriage so he can destroy my child’s soul! I finally started praying in Jesus name against him and his demons that he has NO RIGHT TO MY MARRIAGE OR MY FAMILY because we belong to Christ. If only others would open their eyes to their own sin and cry out to Jesus for help…then maybe we could actually show the world what Jesus meant when he determined for marriage to be a picture of faithfulness to the world…like His faithfulness to the church…his bride!!
strubleroots says
AMEN!!!
Tracie S. says
Preach it ladies. Amen! Laura I am very thankful for your blog! I am so glad the Lord is using you in such a powerful way.
lcg says
My husband and I have participated in a seminar called Love and Respect. I cannot recommend this book (and there are lots of snippets on youtube by the author Dr. Emerson Eggerichs) strongly enough. Even if your spouse doesn’t want to read this book….it doesn’t matter….GET IT ASAP and start right in. Don’t blame yourself. Don’t blame him. It’s not Satan as much as women hear and process things one way and men do so another way. Women are designed to need LOVE. Men are designed to need RESPECT. When we act unlovingly men feel that we don’t respect them. Their response? To pull away, to stonewall, to not give us the love we need. If a woman says (or a man suspects) “I really love you, I just don’t respect you” it is the same thing if our husband were to say “honey, I really have a lot of respect for you, I just don’t love you”…..OUCH.
Did you know that if a man is given a choice between being isolated and without love versus not being respected he’d rather have the respect!
Seriously, my husband and I have been married for 25+ years. Kate is right, marriage is WORK…but no work is possibly more important. Because of this workshop our relationship has become even deeper and more holy. The principles in Love and Respect will help guide you as you talk about all the difficult issues you struggle with, and frankly, when you feel the deep love (men are willing to DIE for their wives and yet we’re always whining “but you don’t love me”) and he feels admired and respected, lots of those arguments won’t be occurring so often.
Kristin says
Love and Respect is a GREAT book!
Lora says
I pray that we all have open hearts and do not judge others based on our limited information and outside view. There is so much judging going on among ‘Christians’ when we fail to see that our righteous attitudes are yet another tool of Satan.
Darcy says
Aren’t we called to “judge” our brothers and sisters in Christ? We are told if we see them living in sin, we are to try to bring them back into a right relationship with Christ. I think too many Christians use the excuse of “not judging” to let others continue to live in sin.
Amanda says
I would also add that what I am reading here is not ‘SELF-RIGHTEOUSNESS’
but rather God’s righteousness. We are all admitting our
inability to stick it out and our dependence on Christ.
Too many people hit a bump in life and say, “I can’t do this” and
just quit, when God calls us to say, “I can’t do this” hit our knees
and then say, “But, I can do ALL THINGS through Christ who
strengthens me.” Too many Christians don’t want to take the
narrow road that Jesus calls us to take. We would rather have
a comfortable easy life and take the wide road to destruction.
Amanda says
Oooh…I just read this in my email by Oswald Chambers and it is perfect.
“OUT OF THE WRECK I RISE”
Who shall separate us from the love of Christ?
Romans 8:35
God does not keep a man immune from trouble; He says – “I will be
with him in trouble.” It does not matter what actual troubles in the
most extreme form get hold of a man’s life, not one of them can
separate him from his relationship to God. We are “more than
conquerors in all these things.” Paul is not talking of imaginary
things, but of things that are desperately actual; and he says we are
super-victors in the midst of them, not by our ingenuity, or by our
courage, or by anything other than the fact that not one of them
affects our relationship to God in Jesus Christ. Rightly or wrongly,
we are where we are, exactly in the condition we are in. I am sorry
for the Christian who has not something in his circumstances he
wishes was not there.
“Shall tribulation…?” Tribulation is never a noble thing; but let
tribulation be what it may – exhausting, galling, fatiguing, it is
not able to separate us from the love of God. Never let cares or
tribulations separate you from the fact that God loves you.
“Shall anguish…?” – can God’s love hold when everything says that
His love is a lie, and that there is no such thing as justice?
“Shall famine…?” – can we not only believe in the love of God but
be more than conquerors, even while we are being starved?
Either Jesus Christ is a deceiver and Paul is deluded, or some
extraordinary thing happens to a man who holds on to the love of God
when the odds are all against God’s character. Logic is silenced in
the face of every one of these things. Only one thing can account for
it – the love of God in Christ Jesus. “Out of the wreck I rise” every
time.
Laura says
Thanks for your comments, I too pray that there is not an attitude of judging/condemning among this dicscussion. My heart is one of love and not judgment. I love all of my many friends and family members who are divorced. As I said in the post this is written to encourage us to get help with our marriages and cling to our spouses. Love- Laura
Denita says
Another Amen!
tarena says
AMEN! Great words laura!
If anyone is up for some marriage strengthening you can head over to my blog ( laughingfamily.blogspot.com )for a 30-day Marrige Encouragement Challenge!
I did it last fall, so you will have to check our the October 2009 and November 2009 archives…and sorry, the prize was already given to one of the wonderful ladies who participated at the time, but you can still do the challenge!
Blessings!!
Teena says
I was just realizing this week how I don’t give my husband enough credit for the good and often linger on the bad. I decided that each day I want to make note of the wonderful things that he does, big or small to help focus my attention on those things rather than the negative.
Amy Lynne says
I think society has let giving up on a marriage commitment way too easy. I agree marriage is work and it is totally worth it!!
DorthyM says
I’ll chime in with another amen. AMEN!! Marriage is definitely not easy! Did you know parents of special needs kids have a higher divorce rate? Or those who have lost a child? It makes it harder, I’ll say that. But God can overcome ANYTHING. I’ve been married 20 years and I pray that we will be together another 20 or more years.
If there is even the slightest chance that it can be worked out, work it out.
Great work, Laura.
Jenn (GH) says
I’ve never commented on your blog but I’ve been a lurker for some time. I have to say I appreciate your boldness. Yes marriage can be difficult at times but oh so worth it!!!
:-)
Jenn
Marla says
Wow, how perfectly timely. It seems as if so many of our friends are in the middle of divorces. None of them know Jesus, and as much as my husband tries to counsel them they still go through with it. I told my husband just the other day that it seems so impossible to stay together forever and that I often worry that we will be next. Thankfully, he said “No, we won’t. It’s not even an option. No matter what the issue, we will stay together and work things through.” Wow I love that man. I just wish his friends would learn from him and listen to his advice. Marriage is not always perfect, or even fun, but nothing is too big for God. He can fix any hurt if people would just turn to him and let him.
Amen Laura! Great post!!
carmen says
I agree with Meloney, Created To Be His Helpmeet is a wonderful book!!! I read it about once a year.
Recently I was talking to a friend who’s boyfriend really wants to get married but she is unsure. She said that in everything else she has ever done, including pilot training, she has always felt like she could quit at any time if it got too tough. But, “marriage is not something you can quit”! I love her statement, too many people do not see it that way.
I am sooo thankful for my wonderful husband of 10 years. We are one married couple that hasn’t “had trouble for years”. We have had very little trouble in the last 10 years. My husband tells people that he can count on his hand the number of times we have disagreed. Not bragging, we are not perfect, but I just want people to know it is possible.
erin fugal says
AMEN!!! I too have heard recently of several couples I know who I thought were strong who end up divorcing, and it has hurt to see. Is marriage really SO HARD, I agree there are instances where divorce is the BEST option, but it shouldn’t be in most cases. MArriage is wonderful and hard, but it’s all part of the journey and I wouldn’t have it any other way. I am only 29 by the way, so my friends are not even that old.
Jiller says
What a wonderfully passionate post Laura. I was thinking recently about the wedding vows we all says that include “for better, for worse, in sickness and in health” My precious husband and I have been more almost 33 years. I never dreamed the “in sickness” would come so early. My husband is now permanently disabled and he is only 51. He went from climbing mountains to this in less than 13 months. We have heard of people who walk away when the other spouse becomes handicapped, how sad. When we said those vows we meant it. Our marriages are SUPPOSED to glorify the Father and that is what this marriage is doing. God bless
Crystal says
Wow! I can’t believe people would walk away from someone they married just because they become handicapped, I married my husband already handicapped! He is a great husband and fahter and the disability doesn’t matter to me at all. I think there are some who don’t understand why I married him, but oh well!
linda st. laurent says
Awesome Laura!!!!! You go girl. I appreciate your frankness. I have been married 20 years, it is work,my husband and I have been through ALOT!!! There is nothing that God cannot heal. Keep up the awesome work.
Katherine says
This post is a huge reminder for me not to take my marriage for granted. And not to let it slide just because there are no apparent problems. That I need to continue to pray for our marriage and to work on my part of it. There’s a CD series that my husband and I give everyone who gets married. It’s by Chip Ingram of Living on the Edge – lote(dot)org – called “Experiencing God’s Dream for Your Marriage”. I think it’s time for me to listen to those CDs again myself.
Catherine says
As long as you feel like you are going to be ”better off”, then go ahead and do whatever you want to do.
It’s sad, but this is exactly what we hear from our society and the media every day.
It’s all about “you”.
“I” am the most important person in the world.
Look out for “your own” interests.
Great post Laura. Keep it up!
Amber Cooper says
If you are ever near a seminar called “A Weekend to Remember,” I suggest you go. It was the best thing that happened to my husband and I. We were near splitting up, we’d been to counceling, and it was a last ditch effort. Neither of us could have imagined our love being re-ignited so greatly, or each of us finding an end to bitterness, and an openess to forgiveness like we found that weekend. That was three years ago, and I’m so thankful God used that seminar to keep our family together.
Laura, you were very bold to say such things- some of which may turn a few readers away. But I’m so proud of you for speaking the truth and not letting your readership determine topics or content.
PJ says
Amber, I’m smiling big after reading your testimony. God is a God of miracles. He saves marraiges. Cheering you and your hubbie on!
PJ says
Marriage is work. I had every reason 9 years ago to give up on mine. But I stuck with it and I am soooo grateful I did. Our marriage is better now than it’s ever been.
I learned a few years back from a seminar with Dr. Gary Chapman (wrote The Five Love Languages) that after 5 years of being divorced, 80% say they wished they never divorced. No matter how hard it may seem, stick with it – you will be thankful in the long run. I know I am.
Carrie says
Laura~
AMEN and AMEN! Marriage is tough but so are so many other things. Parenting is tough too but we don’t give up on that. God designed us need a help mate and he draws us closer to himself with our trials. To many people today are just about what makes them happy. No one is perfect and we are all working things out until our reunion with our Savior. Great post!
Darcy says
Amen! I’ve been feeling the same way! My heart aches over the marriages that have ended because one spouse isn’t willing to work and the other longs to restore the relationship. I’m still in shock over hearing that close friends of ours who both seemed to be living on fire for Christ are getting a divorce because the husband said he had been cheating for the last two years. I just learned of another friend who is going through a divorce as well. It breaks my heart!
Jeannie says
Another Amen! We are surrounded by many unequally yoked families (man not saved and woman supposedly is saved). It is a recipe for disaster and hurt and ultimately in many cases divorce. So painful. We counsel and pray often – the devil seems to be winning battles, but I know my Lord will win the war – and hopefully many of these marriages.
strubleroots says
I wanted to add that I’ve seen the “Laugh Your Way to a Better Marriage” DVDs by Mark Gungor. He also does this in a seminar format. It’s such a good reminder of how differently men and women think- and it re-energized me to work my hardest toward having the happiest, most fullfilling marriage possible.
Karen says
Amen! I just read ‘Created to be His Help Meet – how God can make your marriage glorious’ and I loved it. God used it to open my eyes to things that I was doing that were hindering my husband from being the man God intended him to be, and to show me where I have been wrong in my actions. By simply changing my (selfish) attitude I can change my marriage, for the better!
I think this book should be required reading for every married woman. (WARNING – it may cause conviction!)
(not that you mentioned this book, but it definitely goes along with what you are talking about, working at marriage and all)…
Barbara says
Great post Laura! Thanks for pouring out your heart and glorifying God by standing up for the truth of His Word. I will pray that your ‘message’ will be seeds planted that God will grow and nourish and marriages will be strengthened because of it!
Misty says
Amen! I have been married to my wonderful husband for 13 years this summer – mostly happily. We’ve had our issues, but divorce is just not an option. In fact, we got married in August 1997 and my parents’ divorce was finalized in September – they had been married for nearly 21 years. I was not the least bit surprised by their marriage falling apart, it was a miserable marriage for both of them…because they LET it be that way. My parents didn’t get help and they didn’t fight to make it work. By their example, I know what I will not allow into my marriage – and when my husband and I tease each other – it goes both ways, we laugh together all the time! – my son used to think we were fighting. If that’s as bad as he has it, I feel like he is blessed by our marriage and I pray that we will be a good example for him…and our precious baby girl coming later this year.
Abby says
Long time lurker, first time commenter….I love this! My husband and I have been married for 13 wonderful years but we almost separated in our 7th year of marriage. We realized in that year that marriage is hard and it’s always going to be at times but WORTH IT! Ever since that awful year we have embraced the difficulties in our marriage instead of try to run from them. Without God’s help, I don’t know how other couples survive. I can honestly say I am happily married by God’s provision and I know my husband would say the same (because he has).
Katie Pretot says
I have read created to be his help meet, and right now I am reading preparing to be his help meet. It really stepped on my toes. I have to say it was a hard swallow, but deep down I knew It was right! The bible is pretty clear why were wives were created! I found that once I stepped into my God Given role, ( I am not that skilled at it just yet) That I felt more fulfilled! Don’t get me wrong marriage is not a cake walk, but I do enjoy it for the most part. Don’t you think it is also a matter of perspective, and sometimes that would require us to change ours. Every time my husband does something that gets under my skin, I just think to myself…. Well what am I complaining about, He puts up with so much from me, and he goes to work everyday, and he comes home and really loves the kids, and plays with them and he supports homeschooling and he does not mind when I experiment with new recipes that call for all natural ingredients that normal people cant pronounce. I meant he is doing pretty good!
I think that if you took away from that book that it is all the woman’s fault, then you did not understand the heart of the author. read it again with an open mind and a lot of prayer and guidance from the holy spirit!
Celeste says
Laura, I have been visiting your blog on an almost daily basis for some time now – I love your recipes, I have learned a lot from healthy tips, from your musings and I am grateful for your heart for your family and your heart for the Lord.
I am really glad I logged on this morning (I was looking for your butterscotch bars recipe :) and read this post from yesterday. Over the years my husband and I have witnessed a lot of close friends and family go down the road of divorce and it has broken our hearts. I appreciate your boldness and I couldn’t agree with you more.
My own thoughts after reading through some of the comments are this…it’s really easy to go to all books (or DVD’s or conferences, etc.) out there in hopes of finding the answers (which sometimes can be helpful – don’t get me wrong – there are some great tools! I love Created to be his Helpmeet).I think that often times people forget the Bible is the BEST source of instruction and gives great advice on how to handle marital conflict. If more of us just followed the teachings of Christ how better off our marriages would be! That, and a lot prayer, tears, forgiveness and dying to self! Marriage is work indeed, but a worthy work and not worth throwing in the towel!
Thanks dear sister for sharing your heart with us!
Christy says
20+ years and counting. It hasn’t been easy. We have had some rather large crosses (loss of child etc.) But what I tell everyone, the valleys can be oh so very deep but stick it out for the mountains – the mountains are so worth it! And heaven, heaven is the goal!
Great post.
Katherine says
I just wanted to say that, no matter what any marriage is going through, praying together is critical. Whether your marriage is a blissful haven or you cannot say 2 words to each other without fighting, PRAY together. Even if all you do recite the Lord’s Prayer together, PRAY TOGETHER! When we feel we cannot take another breath, God can breathe air into our spirits. Trust Him and recognize that neither spouse is perfect.
Fifth Street Mama says
Laura. I feel the same way. Your post is so passionate today. Thank you for really showing your heart.
Kathleen says
The Five Love Languages by Dr. Gary Chapman (there is a version for children & teens too) helps one discover how they express love. Realizing that your “love language” may be different than your partner’s was eye opening for me. Your library likely has it. Words of Affirmation, Gift Giving, Quality Time, Acts of Service and Physical Touch are the five general ways we give love and feel loved. Some marriages really struggle because couples are not speaking in the love language the other needs to hear. He is a Christian author. Here is his website with a free quiz to determine your love language: http://www.5lovelanguages.com/
Another resource that really helped me learn how to be a better giver in my marriage was Dr. Laura Schlessinger’s The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands. Women tend to be the ones that hold families together and she demonstrates the power a giving woman has in helping her marriage.
Hannah says
Thank you, Laura! Tomorrow is my 4 year anniversary – when I’ve been told by secular co-workers that things “start to get really tough”. We’re not worried about our marriage, but we ARE making efforts to keep it strong through our faith in Christ :-)
Tara says
Sometimes we don’t want to hear the hard words that Laura has written. But if we are to truly bear one another’s burdens these words must be spoken in love. This is well-written and from the heart of one Christian friend dealing with other Christian friend’s problems.
Also, thank you so much for reminding even those of us who think our marriages are okay that it is a never-ending battle with Satan. We must stand guard to protect our spouses and our marriages!
Kathy says
You said so well what I have felt in my heart for years. It is too easy to give up. We’ve been married for 27 years, and not without our share of struggles. But the pain that comes from divorce is no easier to bear. I’m overjoyed by the unity displayed in these comments, too!
Paula L. says
Dear Laura!!!!, God bless you for speaking truth. Oh, may GOD heal families and couples from this tragedy of divorce and remarriage. Remarriage if your spouse is still living is from the pit of hell. Jesus remained single His whole life and is our example if we must be single or even separated. It hurts, it is painful and dealing with those going through takes more widsom that most of us have. I just encourage all divorcees to please remain single and out of relationships other than the ex, no matter how painful. You just might be surprised what love and persistance can do to a “lost” spouse. Pleae, do not give up. It looks impossible, but, with GOD nothing is impossible. Call unto me and I will answer thee and show you great and mighty things which thou knowest not. Blessing to all of you . It is so refreshig to hear truth and not have our ears tickled.
Thank you, beautiful lady, more than you know!! I am from a broken home and never had the love of my bilogical father to lean on. It still hurts, even at 43, but, GOD is faithful. That hurt has molded my love and compassion for hurting,breaking families to pray for them all over the world, even in my own broken unworthiness.
Anne says
Hey everyone! Another ‘lurker’ here. I just want to point out that the message of this post is to offer hope to those who may be struggling…not condemnation for those who are divorced or who are thinking that direction. I have a lot of divorced people in my life. I love them dearly. I married a divorced man, with a fair amount of criticism. As a stepmom to adult children of divorced parents (they were small at the time of the divorce), I have a passion for making marriages work. I know first hand the pain they have suffered and continue to suffer. I see the bitterness and disfunction it has created. It’s not about judgment. It’s about wanting to protect those we love.
nancy says
AMEN!!!
Alisa says
Its so true. Satan knows that the family is the central, and most powerful, unit in this world, and in God’s plan. He will do ANYTHING to break up that strong unit. Marriage is often the first place he looks. Without a strong couple, Satan can tare families apart. If we make sure that we are doing our part of the marriage covenant we made and try to help our husbands do the same, the marriage will hopefully stay strong, and will never fall apart, even during the tough times. I am glad that there are others out there that believe as strongly about marriage as I do!
Megan says
Although I’m single (age 27), it makes me sad to see people my age who give up (and so quickly at that).
kia says
another great book is by Gary and Betsy Ricucci called “Love That Lasts.” i highly, highly recommend it!
Melissa Fawley says
Laura thank you so much for being bold enough to speak the truth with love. I’m so appreciative of everything you share with us and what God has laid on your heart! I think we all should be prepared and prepare our children that marriage is NOT always easy and happily ever after. After 18 years of marriage, we’ve had a lot of good times, but bad times as well. Sometimes the only thing that keeps you hanging on is the Lord and the fact that you made those vows before Him. However – I would encourage everyone – as with most things in life – going through something bad is awful at the time – but if you continue to seek the Lord and trust in Him – when you finally get through it – you are stronger than before – and always closer to the Lord. He is always faithful! Thanks again Laura, may God continue to bless you.
Margriet Neels says
My husband and I have been happily married for 19 years now, and have 4 children. I’ve read a lot of good books on marriage, relationships, raising children, etc. I just recently purchased two books by Helen Andelin, Fascinating Girl, and Fascinating Womanhood. How I wish I read this book when I first got married! I recommend these books to every teenager and woman! This book teaches woman how to awaken a man’s deepest love and tenderness, and our roles as wives, mothers, and keepers of the home. I quote her exact words, “A loving marriage is the foundation of a happy family, and a happy family the foundation of a stable society. Most of the problems in this world stem from troubled homes. If we are to have peace in the world, we must begin at home.” This book teaches us how to understand men, masculine and feminine roles, finances, and also what femininity is.
Personally, I have learned so incredibly much from this book. It puts in perspective our role as first of all wives, then mothers, and keepers of the home. In this day and age, I believe we forget our roles so quickly, seeing other woman in the work force, and just the busy lifestyle most of us live. I feel so blessed to have found and read this book and all the wonderful testamonies found in it. Many, many marriages have been healed by following Helen’s advice. Please read this book, it will benefit you greatly! My teenage daughter is reading Fascinating Girl, written for girls before marriage. It teaches them what to look for in a man/husband, and how to understand men. Also how to act, modesty, and so much more. God bless you all!
Shannon says
What a “real” post Laura. Thank you. Besides sin (obviously) I’m convinced that the biggest problem with our society today is the breakdown of the family unit, specifically marriages. The emphasis on globalizing everything, even relationships, such as via Facebook, etc.., is ridiculous. But that’s another post all together…
I somehow started to get the very liberal “Parenting” magazine through the mail and hate it but skim it each month since it’s free. Anyway, last month the question was in there “should you end a marriage if you are unhappy?” Over 75% said yes!! That disgusted me. No one is ever 100% happy and even our founding fathers recognized happiness is a journey “the pursuit of happiness”. I feel sad for people that want to keep their marriage together at all costs but their spouse seeks a divorce. God can do anything and we must be patient.
Pamela says
Laura….I agree with so much you stated and I appreciate your boldness in posting this!! I was just praying today for several couples my husband and I know that are having problems. I will say this…we can’t continue to blame Satan for our choices. While he is definitely out to steal, kill and destroy…sometimes we just let the wrong happen, instead of standing for what is right! Marriage is work and I, too, will hug my husband a bit tighter tonight and thank him for all that he is in our home. Praying for marriages!!!!
God bless, Pamela
Cheri says
Watch “Fireproof”. Absolutely, wonderful movie. We’ve been married for 14 years with two wonderful children. Our earlier years were the rockiest and at times I felt like I would be “better off”, but because I didn’t want to put my kids through a divorce, I continually prayed. I did read the helpmeet book and I learned that I shouldn’t pray to change my spouse, but I should pray to change myself. We still have some difficulties because we are still male and female, but I know my husband loves me more than anyone else can. Our marriage is much stronger now and I’m glad divorce never became an option. I put my marriage in God’s hands and he has blessed us many times over.
lauren says
Laura, I really needed to read this today. Thank you.
Marilyn says
What a beautiful and uplifting post!
Beth says
Read SACRED MARRIAGE by Gary Thomas…the subtitle says it all:
“What if God designed marriage to make us holy rather than to make us happy.”
Melinda says
This post is spot on. The bible basically has only two real excuses for getting a divorce – not getting along with your spouse is NOT one of them. I remember several years ago when a friend and her husband – a couple that I looked up to and respected – suddenly split and got a divorce. I was heart-broken. Their divorce not only devastated their family but everyone around them. You are right – marriage is not easy, it is hard work. I have found that a recovery program works for me. My husband is now sober in AA but wasn’t always. It was very difficult and there were times I just wanted to run – but I was not willing to do that to my kids or to give up my sweet husband who suffered from the disease of alcoholism. Al-Anon and Celebrate Recovery gave me the tools to see my part in the relationship, to realize he was on his own path with God and that I was not God. I have my own path so I had to let go and let God be the guide for each of us. This has helped every relationship I have, not just with my husband. I have seen the most hopeless relationships restored with the help of AA, Al-Anon, Celebrate Recovery, Family Life counseling and workshops, and Retrouvaille. There are so many resources out there! I am one who walked away from my first marriage. I was young and foolish and did not want to work for my marriage. I was not walking with God. I know now that if I had been submitting to the will of God, I would not have walked away. I am grateful for my current marriage, my husband, my children and the life we have. Satan still tries to get in the middle but I just don’t except what he has to say. I pray, I talk to my husband and I ask for help when I need it. Divorce first devastates the two who are married. It is not something one ever forgets or “feels good” about – I do not care what they may say. It HURTS! Secondly, it is devastating for children and the scars run deep. I experienced that part as a teenager as well. Third, it devastates all the friends and family involved. I lost a whole set of friends and family from my first marriage and so did my ex. The pain goes on and on rippling out like a stone thrown in the water. I am so sad for you, friend Laura, that you have to watch this right now. We are helpless to change others yet we are not hopeless. We have our sweet Savior, Jesus, that we can petition on behalf of those we love who are struggling.
Jennifer says
Amen.
Six years ago my attitude reflected Martina McBride’s song “How far”. I was ready to walk out the door, as far as I had to go. The only thing that held me back was that I kept thinking about my children asking me “Where’s Daddy?” Being a divorced kid myself, I just couldn’t do that to them.
Thanks be to God that I didn’t have to walk to far away because he restored us to Him and restored our marriage and today we are happy then we have ever been.
We’ve learned a lot of lessons and grown a lot. And, though those past days weren’t fun, I wouldn’t trade them because it helped us to grow up and be real.
Beth says
Well said. My hubby and I have been married almost ten years, but we almost split up about six years ago. We ended up going to counseling, and it was the best thing we ever could’ve done.
Thank you for saying what other people are too “politically correct” to say: the truth!
Sarah says
very well said.
Susan says
I’m sorry that your heart is aching because others have taken their eyes off of
God and His purpose in marriage. I pray your article helps others. Satan can destroy testimonies and damage many people when one couple chooses to live for themselves and put the Lord to the side.
Shellie in Ar says
Laura that was beautifully put. Praise the Lord for giving you such appropriate words to share!
Andrea says
This post makes me want to cry! I am watching family members destroy their marriage right now and struggling along side of friends who are wavering through tough, tough issues. It is such a helpless feeling to do all you can and pray and pray and see things collapsing before your eyes. What is so frustrating is that my friends issues stem from their parents having broken marriages (or none). These are things you pass on to your children! It just hurts.
I think my eyes are more open though to the fact that no marriage is perfect and no marriage is immune to trouble. I have a wonderful relationship with my man and love him (and respect him) to pieces, but little daily habits can corrode our love and support and make us more susceptable to hurts and squabbles very quickly. I listen to “marriage radio” online from Focus on the Family and New Life Live broadcasts and share funny little things with my husband. We cannot put our marriages on autopilot and take a nap. We have to stay awake and make little corrections daily or we’ll get off track and crash.
Wendy says
Amen! I have wanted to say the same thing!
Meghan says
Thank you for this post, Laura. Can I ask you to please pray for me? I’m feeling pretty unsure and insecure about my own marriage.
Thanks for this website. You have kind of become my mentor (even though you don’t know a thing about me).
Bless your sweet family:)
Meghan
Laura says
Meghan, yes I will pray for you. I am already praying for strength for you as you struggle for answers and healing. If you haven’t already, read through the comments as many people mentioned different books and sources of encouragement and help. Please feel free to email me personally if you want to share more specifically or ask questions. I’m not an expert, but I am your friend.
Cassie says
I’ll pray for you too Meghan! My husband and I have been married for 5 yeras and have been through some pretty difficult and yucky stuff. There have been times when I was so insecure about my marriage and I was SURE I married the wrong man. I thought, “God, I’m sorry. I must have chosen wrong. If I would have married the man you planned for me to, this would be so much easier”. Then I had a wonderful friend speak some much needed truth to me. She said, “On the Contrary Cassie. God has plans for make us more like HIM! When we follow his will, we are not promised an easy road, but road that will be rugged and difficult, but he will never leave us or forsake us!” I really needed to hear that. I was soo wrapped up in myself and my own happiness, (not saying you are just speaking for myself) that I couldn’t see the molding God was doing in my life in order to make me more like him. So, all of that to say: Be encouraged! Jesus has overcome the world and his strength can live in you if you believe! All is not lost! Persevere in the Lord!! I will continue to pray for you and your husband! Good for you for reaching out! :)
Laura says
Thank you for this post, Laura. I’m the child of divorced parents (they split after 35 years of marriage) – and some aspects of the divorce are still with me over 20 years later.
My husband and I have dealt with so much in our 13 years of marriage, stuff that would rip marriages apart in a heartbeat. I won’t say it has been easy – and I won’t say the D-word hasn’t been brought up – but each day we are together I’m grateful that we have each other.
Our family and friends would scratch their heads to hear how close we have come to divorce – because we hide it very well. And, in 13 years of marriage, I have never walked out the door, neither has he. We have never sought help, because my husband is too emberassed to admit we have marriage problems.
We cling to Christ alone to keep up together. His parents are still married, 30+ years so far – though he and his brother and their mother were all physically abused while he was growing up. His last fistfight with his dad was about 3 months before we got married. His father finally came to Christ about 8 years ago, and their marriage is so wonderful now.
My husband isn’t abusive – never has been – but he does harbor the pain of those years from his childhood. His temper is quick, his tongue is sharp – and that has caused many problems for us over the years. I suffer from PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder) as well as depression, and both were linked back to our relationship and his abrasiveness. I often think, when times are bad, that those two issues are reason enough for divorce. He thinks so, too – but begs me and the kids to stay, and things are good for a few months. It’s become our routine, the good life for a few months, followed by a month or two of arguing, leading up to my wanting to leave, then it starts over again.
I love my husband – that’s why I stay. That, and I want my kids to have both parents at home with them. But a small part of me wonders if it is worth it – I remember how much happier my mom was when she finally left my controlling father, and how much happier that made us kids. Still, I’m doing the biblical, God-ordained thing. Until one of us breaks those two rules listed in the bible (abuse, infidelity) we will remain married, for better or for worse.
Kris says
Laura,
I usually do not comment, but this post hit home. I love my husband of 17 years and I am so happy we have worked through those times that have been difficult. I feel your anger as I too see many friends and family whose marriages are falling apart and for pitiful reasons. My two best friend from college have called in the last year to tell me their marriages have not been good for years and now they have found out their spouses were having affairs. One is in the mist of a wicked divorice with so much anger and hate. The other is trying to cling to her marriage with forgiveness, while dealing with the pain of betrayal. He repeatedly says he is leaving the other woman and then she finds he is back with her. I feel their pain and I have had nightmares from hearing their suffering. I feel so helpless and just pray without ceasing.
Danielle says
Thanks for adding the “disclaimer”. I will never say it’s ok to stay w/an unfaithful spouse, or an abusive spouse. No matter what author would tell you to do so.
I also know of a couple who divorced, her husband cheated on her before and during the marriage. The affair during the marriage was w/a church member, a so-called friend who was invited into their home numerous times. They are both re-married, the husband married the woman who he had an affair with. My friend married a WONDERFUL man.
My parents divorced after 31 years of marriage. My father was unfaithful pretty much the whole marriage. My mother finally said enough was enough. It was probably the best thing that coudl have happened.
Faerylandmom says
I am in the same position you are – only the marriages falling apart around me are due to abuse, alcoholism, and infidelity. It SUCKS to see people you love so much hurting so deeply. Thank you for this post…it ministered to me today.
I am clinging to my husband – a good, Godly man. Imperfect, but he loves me the way Christ loves the church, and that is enough.
Janeen - triplet Mom says
Thank you for sharing your heart and speaking the truth! I agree 100% with everything you said.
Kaseclyn says
Very well said Laura! Being a pastor’s wife, we have seen it all, the sadness of divorce, but we have also seen the incredible miracle of restored marriages! God can do anything. So many, good comments from you all! Marriage is HARD, and we need soft hearts towards the Lord! And we need to be vigilant like it says in 1 Peter 5:8-10 – “Be of sober spirit, be on the alert. Your adversary, the devil, prowls about like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour, but resist him, firm in your faith, knowing that the same experineces of suffering are being accomplished by your bretheren who are in the world. And after you have suffered for a little while, the God of all grace, who called you to His eternal glory in Christ, will Himself perfect, confirm, strengthen and establish you.” Great reminder that we will suffer, but that God will give us the strength and grace we need to get through it. Also, I thought of Ephesians 6:10-18 about putting on the whole armor of God. I am sharing these verses because we need God’s Word to battle against our enemy and to convict and comfort us like it says in Heb. 4:12 that the Word of God is living an active. Lastly, we need to pray for our husbands. I have loved Stormie Omartian book on The Power of a Praying Wife. While I don’t agree with everything, I love how short the chapters are and there are 30 chapters, one for each day of the month. Often I just pray for whatever the title of the chapter is for that day, for example, chapter 1 for the first day of a month. Thanks again for a great post!
kristin says
Wow, Laura — I could have written this (ok, not as well as you did; I mean that I am seeing the dissolution of marriages all around me, and it kills me). Our church has been hit by several divorces in the last year. While one was because of serious physical abuse, and one because of serious drug abuse and emotional cruelty, others were because (according to the participants) “we just aren’t happy,” “I’m not fulfilled,” “He’s not the man I want him to be.” Unsurprisingly, the children of these divorces are suffering anxiety, heartbreak, serious physical reactions (chronic stomach pain, etc.), and they’ll be changed for the rest of their life. I teach writing on the college level, and last year one of my students wrote a paper on how divorce affects children for the rest of their life. It was sobering and painful to read.
Thank you for reminding us that just because a marriage requires work, tears, and forgiveness does not doom it. In fact, I think EVERY marriage requires those same things (though I’ll just confess right here that I am so stinking lucky, because I’d would never want to be married to anyone but the man I am married to!).
kristin
Kristy Howard says
What a beautiful post and wake-up call, Laura! Somehow, we Christian women waltz into marriage thinking it’s supposed to be a piece of cake… and when reality strikes and things turn out “hard”, we become disillusioned and wonder what went wrong.
I agree with the other commentors who recommended Gary Thomas’ book “Sacred Marriage”. I also recommend “Love and Respect” (Emmerson Eggeriches) and “Created to Be His Help Meet” (Debi Pearl). As a pastor’s wife, I’ve loaned both these books to several ladies in our Church.
There IS solid, Biblical help out there for marriages- good ones and not-so-good-ones. Thank you for taking a stand for marriage and encouraging us all to honor our vows and our man!
Kristy @ Homemaker’s Cottage
Mindy says
YES! Thank you for speaking truth. Satan IS out to destroy marriages. We have seen it over and over again, especially within the last year. Friends, relatives, church members, people we would least expect, getting divorces or separating. We have been praying and praying for the resolution of so many of them. We will be continuing to pray for those marriages in trouble and that God would provide the strength they need to push on. It is so nice to read someone who understands that marriage is not suppose to be ‘easy’. It’s the hardest thing I have ever done, (next to being a mommy). But it is also the most rewarding and fantastic thing, as well. God knew what He was doing when He made Eve for Adam. He did! Thank you for your wonderful posts, Laura. They really are so encouraging. Bless you and yours!
Allean says
Amen and Amen, you could not have said it any better. Please continue to share your heart with us because it is truly a blessing. Be Blessed…
Jessica says
My husband and I have been going through a trying time as well, probably the most difficult in 9 years of marriage. I can see why it’s easier to NOT work on it, because it is painful to go through the issues and get them fixed. Especially when it seems like it’s the same thing over and over again. But you’re right, it IS fixable, and mostly it’s because of selfish reasons and a lack of communication. My husband is not a reader, but he found an amazing book called Every Man’s Marriage by Christian authors and is reading it. For me.
Walking in the love of God can feel so impossible at times, but it’s Him that helps us to do it, because He is love and He lives in us.
Anyways, I get it!
Sarah says
Thank you for this…reposted to my Facebook page.
Sarah
hayley says
Thank you for this post. This is exactly what I’ve been thinking but didn’t know how to put it into words. So many people around me have been giving up on their marriages too and it’s making me sick to think about. I hope a lot of people read this post and share it with their friends and maybe, just maybe, even one marriage will be saved. I’m so glad to know that their are other people with the same values that I have. Sometimes you begin to wonder. I love reading your blog and using your recipes. Thanks so much for sharing your insights. -hayley
maria says
Laura, would you consider writing something about how to balance all this when married to a non-christian?
I’m thinking specifically of issues when the husband/wife don’t agree on what’s appropriate, both for adults, but for especially for children. How can one let the husband lead, respect and support him, when he does/says things or holds opinions that make you cringe as a Christian? AND how can one at the same time protect ones children from bad influences or inappropriate things from the world, when those things are either precisely brought into the home by the husband or at least not objected to by him?
When the husband thinks the wife should just take a chill pill or two and simply enjoy life (that is normal, worldly life with all that follows..)
I am personnally confused and find it very hard to sort out how to be a godly wife AND mother at the same time!!
Thanks for your encouraging and helpful writings. -Maria
Laura says
I wanted you to know that I’m giving this subject some thought. I’m hoping to address this eventually during this series if I can.
leslie blair says
Hi Laura, I am writing you with this question because you do not know my husband, and I would not feel comfortable sharing this with any other mentor-type woman in my church because they do know my husband and I do not want them to look down on him. Recently, I accidentally caught my husband masturbating while watching pornography on his computer. He has done this once before about a year ago, and the only reason I know is because he came to me and confessed. He knows what he was doing was wrong and I completely believe that he has sought the Lord for forgiveness as well as myself, and he is repentant. I too realize that this is a sin like all others and should be treated that way, as the Lord has forgiven us I also will forgive him. I forgive him but I have trouble being truly gracious. I have bitterness as well as a slew of other emotions that I don’t want to build up into something more. What are some scripture you might meditate on, or some other things you might do in my situation to truly let this sin go? Thank you.
Laura says
Leslie,
I so appreciate your honesty and openness, and also that you feel safe enough here to share. I know many other women can relate and understand your pain with this. God bless you for seeking to handle it in a way that honors your husband and honors God.
I don’t feel equipped to answer your questions, but I highly recommend reading through Kristin’s series of “He said She said” here: http://wearethatfamily.com/category/he-said-she-said/ She and her husband have struggled through these same issues and have let God lead them through it.
Please feel free to email me personally any time if you’d like to visit further. I am praying for you.
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