I have several friends who have opened up their home to foster children…many have even adopted some of their foster children. I’ve watched my friends struggle, hurt, be completely worn out, and continue to love on these kids.
I am absolutely convinced that being a foster parent is not for everyone. But, since we’re talking about how we as women can minister from our homes, I asked my good friend Tana to share her story with us.
For those of us who do not choose foster parenting, at least we can be made more aware of how we can pray for those who do.
Here’s Tana:
My husband and I spent 8 years fostering. We have adopted 2 children during the course of those years. Our oldest child is 25 and our youngest is 9.
We thought we were done having children when our biological children were 3, 14 and 16. I had read an article about children in orphanages in Romania and was literally brought to tears for the condition of these babies. I spent 2 more years praying for the safety of our next child and doing research on adoption. Eventually we decided a less romantic, but more feasible way to adopt was through the state’s Fos- Adopt program.
We finished foster parent training classes on a Friday night and I told the caseworkers I wanted a baby. They practically laughed and told me, “Tana, we rarely get babies, and if we do, they’ve been badly damaged.” I went home feeling very discouraged. But God is good, and on Monday morning we got a call that a newborn baby boy was to be dismissed from the hospital and needed a Fos-Adopt home. We scurried around trying to find things for a nursery and they brought a beautiful baby to me that very day.
Now am I going to leave you with that beautiful happy moment? No, sorry, that only happens in the movies. I soon came to realize that fos-adopt did not mean easy-adopt. The way the state works for children in foster care was far from my romantic dreams about adopting a child. We spent the next 3 years fighting for that baby’s life with us. I walked the floor with him at night praying for his future. During the days I wrote letters to the Governor, legislature and legal figures. The Lord had answered my prayers, but not without holding me to the fire for His purpose.
I wanted a quick adoption, but God had other things in mind for us. While we waited we had several opportunities to promote change in the laws governing foster care and adoption in the state of Nebraska.
We went to court date after court date, right up to an appeal with the Nebraska Supreme Court before our adoption was complete. That baby’s middle name is now Samuel which means, God has heard. He has never been hurt outside of a skinned knee. He has never seen a drunken or psychotic parent (okay, briefly psychotic), and he has never gone to bed hungry. He is a well adjusted, happy little boy.
We went on to foster more children and to adopt one more time. The second time we adopted an 11 year old girl that had been badly damaged. After the adoption that we thought would make her feel secure, she was suddenly threatened by her permanency. She has severe reactive attachment syndrome, which love and security is not enough to heal. For 2 years we tried different methods to help her attach. Her behaviors became increasingly alarming and dangerous for herself and the other children. She fought the adoption, fought the idea of having parents, and continues to fight all those around her that want to help her.
My heart, is of course, broken. She is in a residential treatment center now, and will probably need the structure of that kind of care for a long time. I am sad that she will not accept what we have offered her, but I am reminded that God adopts all of us. Even though we are given everything we need, we sometimes reject Him and refuse that love. But he stays constant.
When Laura asked me to write about our ministry in fostering I had some reservations to say the least. We no longer foster. All of our energy is put into getting services for this child who will not be loved. I found myself wanting to say “Don’t do it!”
But God did not call us to second guess what he asks us to do. I had to remember that the Bible says, “All things work together for good for those that love the Lord.” Even though I do not understand how the problems we are facing in our life right now can be woven together for good, I believe what He says, and I trust that this too will work together for Him. Because of our earlier trials, I have been refined, possibly to make me strong enough for this battle. So of course, I said, “Yes, I will write an article about the ministry of adoption and foster care!”
I would like to tell you that this is a ministry that we all should do, but it is not. It is a ministry for few. It needs to be approached with much prayer, and full knowledge that the road is a rough one. Adopting and fostering are often heart wrenching, full of fear and disappointment along the way. I have also come to realize that it is a journey that requires rest as well. Deciding to stop fostering was just as prayerful for me as beginning the journey.
One of our biological kids has Asperger’s Syndrome, which also requires much from us. I now home school him and his brother. I struggled to give myself permission to stop fostering and focus on the children who God has entrusted to me. The nature of fostering is so exhausting that few do it for a life time.
It is important to know your limitations if you decide to foster, it is okay to say no to caring for a child that is beyond your ability to help. Your own children must come first. Position in the family must be preserved by choosing age mates and gender wisely. You must remember not to choose children who can victimize your children in any way, because you can’t take it back if an innocent is hurt. You must protect your mate and not put him/her in a vulnerable position. And you must nurture yourself as well as others.
There are other ways to help kids in need without fostering. Some of these include being a CASA (court appointed special advocate), providing respite care for foster families, being involved in the Big Brother program, and speaking out when you see an injustice in the system.
We still have former foster children that call us or stop by from time to time, because they care about what we think. Many of them have gone back to the dysfunction they began with. Some have been adopted by another family or relative. Others have aged out of the system and have children of their own.
Sometimes we feel that what we did was for naught, but I cannot tell what God will decide to do with the seeds we planted. Sometimes all we could do was to show a child that there was a better way, a way that involves God in our decision making, and solving conflict without drugs, strife and abuse. We hope that someday they will remember a family that showed God to them a long time ago.
In Christ, Tana
Char @ DigiScrapChat says
Ok, that’s two posts in a row that made me sob.
Thank you, Tana, for sharing your journey and experiences. Incredible, incredible post.
Jessie says
Thank you for sharing honestly. You are an inspiration and a reminder to be faithful with all that God gives. I’m inspired and humbled.
Jessie
Jenni says
Thank you for posting this, Tana. I in my thirties and am a former foster child and can really appreciate what you are doing right now. Like you, my parents adopted me when I was older. And like your daughter I fought it even up until age 18. But here is the good news. Somehow, the words, the prayers they put into my life eventually stuck around age 23-25. I recommitted my life back to Christ. I am happily married with 6 children, three of whom are adopted from foster care! I write this to give you encouragement and to thank you for giving an older child a chance. I was told by a case worker once that my time was running out to get adopted. I was only 8 at the time. To me, it is Never too late. I agree with you that it is not for everyone. I was stubborn and required even more stubborn parents! May God bless you and keep you and your family well now and in the future.
Marla says
Wow! How timely. We are in the process of making the decision to foster- adopt. We just met with some friends last night who foster and got lots of information from them. It is definately not a decision to be taken lightly. We actually hoped to have more bio children through my husbands VR, but that has not been Gods plan for our lives at this moment. The more I pray about fostering/adopting and dwell on it, the more it pops-up. The same thing happened when we were considering the homeschool option. It suddenly came up out of the blue in the most odd places. I think it was Gods way of saying “Yes, this is what I want for you”. This post is one more thing that tells me this may be his plan for us to expand our family.
However, here in Ok we do have lots of babies looking for foster homes. It is a very sad situation. Most of them are meth babies. Ok is the meth capitol of the country, and unfortunately most of them are born addicted. They usually go on to live normal healthy lives once the withdrawls are over. But the thought of a tiny newborn going through such serious withdrawls breaks my heart.
Thanks for giving us more to think about.
Donna says
Very touching post!
And I’m quite sure that those children will long remember the Christ that filled Tana’s home and very likely to turn to Him at some point in their lives! Thanks for sharing!!
Sherry says
What a blessing to the children to open your homes and be able to share the love of God with them!! :D
Cindee Pate says
My husband an I are also foster parents and have adopted through the program as well. Tana’s letter was “spot-on” concerning the journey and the decision to foster. I do know that the Lord has truly revealed alot of truth through this journey as far as love, forgiveness, compassion, understanding and especially adoption. I KNOW He loves me because I so love my adopted daughter as much as I love my bio kids. Thanks for the blessing. Cindee
Sarah says
I too was a damaged foster kid growing up. I am so thankful that my foster parents didnt give up. Having someone love you when no one has ever loved you in hard to let sink in. It wasnt until I became an adult that I finally let that love in. Now I am happily married with 5 kids of my own. I know it is only through God’s grace that this damaged mama is able to be a good mom and wife.
I want to thank all of you who foster. It is a hard and thankless job but ohhh so needed.
Jill Roper says
Great post. We have fostered 30 children over 20 years. RAD is a terrible terrible condition. Unchecked, these children become a person with anti social personality disorder. We adopted several of our children. Our son who is turning 18 now sits in jail. We adopted him at age 14 and is now a full blown sociopath. He has broken our hearts.We poured love into his life and he stomped on our hearts. He is very violent. He became a terrible threat to our other children. He threatened to kill one of our children, beat one to a pulp for not folding his blanket for him and smashed in our car with his fists. It has taken a terrible toll on our health and our families well being. We have known untold grief and untold joy. Joy because in the end our Savior will make all things right.
Karen says
I, too, was a foster parent and an adoptive parent. We have two children (adopted at birth), ages 10 and 6, and we fostered 3 children, ages 4 mon-2 1/2 years with the intent of adopting them. Unfortunately, I was the only one that really bonded with the foster kids. Then, my husband’s dad was diagnosed with a terminal illness. It was all too much and the foster kids were moved to a different home. It was a very big loss for me.
In spite of all of that, I KNOW that it is what God wanted us to do. I don’t know how it will all turn out, but I know that it will be GOOD!
Paula says
Thank you so much for posting this. It means so much to me. We are a Christian, homeschooling family of six children. My oldest daughter (who is now 13) we fost-adopted. She came to our home at 10 months old, but she had been hurt already. It has always been very challenging to parent her. This last year she was diagnosed with conduct disorder, bipolar and PTSD. We had to make the decision to place her in a residential treatment center for her safety and the safety of our other children (and probably ourselves). It was a heart-wrenching decision. I have done all I can, and I will continue to love her and try to help her, but she (as well) will not let the love in. I have decided that our safety must come first, and she needs supervision on a level I can’t provide. I praise God for providing the resources for her care – truly amazing as her care is $7K/mo. Through it all, though, I feel so judged by the other Christian homeschooling families around me, who strongly believe the family should stay together no matter what, and I thank you for your post. It encourages me to see that there are other Christians who need to make similar decisions. Thank you so, so much.
Shanon L Fowler says
This was a GREAT post! Thank you Tana for sharing your heart on this.
My parents took in foster children when I was growing up. We had a wide range of ages, from newborn to 20something year olds. We had some really messed up kids: I was young, but I observed and understood a lot. I couldn’t stand it when the young kids got sent back to their abusive parents just because they completed some training class. I wanted to run away with those kids to save them! I can still picture each face that came into our home and I hope and pray that they remember all the love they received from our family, and it made even a small difference in their lives.
I so admire women & men like Tana & her husband that open their hearts and homes to children that so desperately need a place of refuge & love!!
God is still in the Miracle business & he can break through any barrier and medical or psychiatric labels/brands placed on the lives of those precious children. May that precious little girl find the Love of Jesus and accept it and let Him heal her precious heart!!! Keep fighting for her, Tana!!! :) God Bless you!!!! (((HUGS)))
Cathy says
You have done an excellent job with this article! You are so correct in every statement. I’ve been there, experienced the attachment disorder and placing a child in residential care.
Aelinn says
I was a foster child. I make it a point to say, “Thank you!” whenever I meet foster parents. So, to all the foster parents here… THANK YOU!