So why was I like this? Why did I have this insane drive to go and to do and to please and to fix and to be and to go and to go and to go?
I had no idea. I had been like this since forever. I thought it was just how I was wired.
I realized that I needed to identify the root of this problem. I did not want a Band-Aid to cover it up. I did not want to deny the issue anymore. I needed to start at the beginning so that God could heal me and re-train my heart and head to respond to life in a healthy way.
I surrendered the need to God, stopped to listen, and after several days, He revealed the root of this issue to me. It was quite simple actually. As a small child, I had started believing the lie that pleasing people is the way to please God. That making sure people are pleased with me and happy with me was the gauge that measured my worth as a Christian. That disappointing others was a disappointment to God. Conflict and confrontation needn’t happen because I would simply live to please.
And so I did.
In doing so, I somehow lost myself. I was serving my family. I was serving God’s people. I was knocking myself out doing and being for others what I felt they were needing and expecting me to do and be. If someone was hurting, I thought it was up to me to fix it. If someone needed something, I would drop everything to meet that need. If I hadn’t known of someone’s need, I felt guilty for not being aware.
There is a certain level of pleasing others that is healthy and good. We want to be a blessing to those around us. But the truth is: The only One I need to seek to please is God. In doing so, others will be blessed. My focus needs to be on God and His will for me. Not on others. And certainly not on self.
Satan doesn’t want any of us to thrive. He wants us to struggle, hurt, fight bitterness, and stay stuck in a pool of yuck and assume that it is just a part of this balanced breakfast.
Sure enough, he often tricks us into believing that our struggles are “part of our personality.” We think, “It’s just who I am.” As a matter of fact, he’s such a good deceiver that often, we don’t even realize that a struggle is a struggle. It may even be disguised as a “gift from God.” Satan takes truth and puts a slight twist on it so that it becomes a lie. He is the greatest of all deceivers. He’s a clever one, that Satan. Which is why seeking truth is so very important.
God was glorified even in the midst of my struggle while I strived to serve Him through my weaknesses. It’s just that God wanted to show me a better way. I needed to recognize Satan’s lies about what it meant to be a servant of God. And I needed to stop being deceived into thinking that God was only pleased with me if I served others around me until I passed out cold.
Remember my “high gear?” My always revved engine? I truly was working to glorify God with my Go!Go!Go! mentality and activity. I thought that always putting others first and constantly seeking to meet the needs of everyone around me was the way I was to serve God.
As it turns out, I was really seeking to serve myself. It was time for me to learn truth.