Matt and I love the book His Needs Her Needs and highly recommend it for engaged and married couples. Matt took the time to write a review of this book to share with all of you. I love what he wrote and urge you to check this book out as you nurture your marriage.
His Needs Her Needs by Willard F. Harley Jr. was the first marriage book we read together and it was before we were married…by God’s Grace. From my standpoint Laura and I were perfectly compatible. I assumed what was good for me was good for her. Everything I desired, she desired. So I planned to apply the golden rule of doing to her what I would want her to do to me. I was getting married to this godly woman who was like me in nearly everyway. The slight differences were easily overlooked.
As we read this book and talked about it, I began to see that our desires were not perfectly aligned. What was good for me was not always her preference. Yes, most importantly we shared a love for our Creator and Savior, and yes our basic physical needs were obviously shared. We wanted to be connected intimately to each other, but our definitions were a bit different. We wanted to spend time together, just the two of us, but how we spent that time was not always the same. By God’s grace (this should be declared in Tony the Tiger voice, His GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRACE!!!!!!!!!!!) we have a wonderful marriage today. God used this book to help pull me from self-driven fantasy into reality…before we were married. Although it is not written specifically to a Christian audience, the principles helped me look outside of myself. Remember, I wasn’t getting married for strictly selfish reasons – my intention was that she would be just as pleased as I would be – but our picture of that was different. I needed some skills.
In the preface, Harley writes, “Successful marriages require skill – skill in caring for the one you promised to cherish throughout life. Good intentions are not enough. This book was written to educate you in the care of your spouse.”
His findings for the top five marital needs for a man and a woman were pretty close to how we personally ranked them. He lists that a woman’s top five basic needs in marriage tend to be: 1. Affection; 2. Conversation; 3. Honesty and openness; 4. Financial support; and 5. Family commitment. For men they tend to be: 1. Sexual fulfillment; 2. Recreational companionship; 3. An attractive spouse; 4. Domestic support; and 5. Admiration.
If after reading his descriptions of each of the categories they don’t match up with you and your spouse, at least it gets you discussing each other’s needs and you might recognize that you could make some alterations in serving your spouse in order to – as Harley puts it – make deposits in their love bank.
May God bless you as you care for your spouse!
justpitchingmytent says
My husband is a pastor, and he recommends this book to every couple he counsels/marries. We read it before we got married, too! :)
Melissa says
This sounds like a good book. My husband and I have been married for 12 years and are still learning about each other. We are far better at communicating our wants and needs than we were in the beginning, I bet this book would have saved a lot of frustration! I’ll check it out and pass it along.
Jennifer Roberts says
Thank you for posting your review of this book. I have not read this book. I clicked on the link to Amazon.com for this book in your post and I started to read other reviews that were on Amazon.com. What is troubling is that there are several reviews citing an idea in the book that apparently encourages “plastic surgery”…??? I am not sure if this is true but could you please tell me if you read anything like this in this book? Thank you.
Laura says
(This is Matt) As with almost every book I have read, there are opinions that I disagree with, but I think his overiding principles are important enough to recommend this book. Yes, he has a brief section (less than a page) in his chapter about being an attractive spouse titled “When Is Cosmetic Surgery Worth It?” In that section he discourages hip reduction, tummy tucks, and breast implants. For premature wrinkles, an abnormally shaped nose and dental correction, he is okay with his client having cosmetic surgery. As a friend of mine told me when I was reading a book he recommended, “Chew up the meat and spit out the bones.”
Hope that was helpful – Matt
Tituslady says
Hmm interesting I’ll talk to my husband about the book! I don’t really find anything wrong with if both you and your spouse agree to plastic surgery that it’s so wrong..I think it’s just important to love each other anyways, and getting fixed is just a bonus.
Danielle B says
Yep,I have no problems w/it either. I’ve thought about it many times.
My husband has no problems w/it either. Of course he says he loves me the way I am
Alisha says
The problem with plastic surgery is that it is expensive. The money could be better well spent by starting a college fund for your child (or pay a full yr or two depending on the surgery!) paying down your mortgage, or going on a family trip. Your children don’t care if their Mommy has big boobs or Daddy joined the hair club for men. However, they will remember a college education or special family vacation.
There is a cosmetic procedure I need (actually it would be considered medical by many folks), but I cannot justify spending our savings for it when we have 4 kids to put through college!
Tituslady says
I agree to an extent, but for us college education isn’t important.
Leaving behind land, and useful skills is important! Learning to
live with what you have, and doing for yourselves! Both my husband
and I have to have expensive dental work done, and we are going to
have it done. Yes it’s a lot of money, but it’s worth our health.
Our children want us here for awhile so being healthy is very
important. I had to chuckle at your boob job, and hair comment. Since
breastfeeding my boobs are lopsided, and my husband is going bald.
Haha, but we don’t need or want each other to do anything about it,
but in another marriage it might be important to them.
Susan H says
I will say the Lord saved my marriage through this book. We read it 7 years into our marriage. I won’t go into the long story but I will say it is a life changer. Both people in the relationship have to be willing to read it. AND please know you have to be ready to get very honest with yourself and be willing to hear what your spouse has to say after reading each chapter. We learned so much about each other. Some of it hurt my feelings at first, but I moved past my initial response and chose to learn and grow from it. We’ll be celebrating 22 years this August…ALL Glory to God!
Susan H says
OH, your e-book about marriage is FABULOUS!!! My husband and I are reading a chapter each day and loving your insight & humor!
Debbie says
*gasp* I LOVE this book. My husband and I read it before we got married! Truly wonderful book! In fact, we need to read it again now that we are going on 7 years of marriage!
Danielle says
Thank you for the review … I want to take a look at this book!
Alisha says
Having read this one, but the Love Languages was a real eye-opener for me. I think it can be applied not only to marriage, but also friendships, coworkers, and other family bonds. We are all different people. We also have the same basic needs, but each of us values them in a different order. One coworker may enjoy flowers on a spring day from you while enough loves to chat during a lunch-time walk. Your mother may love all homemade gifts you make her, while your father enjoys you making frequent trips to visit. Once you key in on the other persons love language it can do wonders in the relationship.
Mrz Carmen says
We read this book 18 years ago, right before we were married, and loved it. This, plus “Love Busters” (Harley), “Love Languages” (Chapman) and “Men Are From Mars, Women are From Venus” (Gray) are our favorite marriage books. Mark Gungor’s “Laugh Your Way To A Better Marriage” dvd is spot on as well as hysterical.
I figure in another 40 years we might have this marriage thing figured out… until then, we’ll keep reading and watching marriage improvement things.
Samantha says
This sounds like a great book for my husband and I. We have been married a little over a year now and we need something to get us on the same page with more than our toddler and bills being paid. Don’t get me wrong, we love each very much, but we just don’t talk about anything in depth with us anymore… If we can find the finances somewhere we will purchase this =] Thank you!
Laura says
You might be able to find this at the library or borrow it from someone at your church.
Tracy says
I follow Money Saving Mom and you were on her blog so I scrolled thru yours and so glad I did. I picked up this book at the library today. I am very excited to read it. Thank You!
Janet says
Thanks for the recommendation. My fiancee and I are preparing to get married at the end of the summer and appreciate any and all advice we can get to make our marriage a strong Christian one!
Angie says
I wounder if this book is a easy read? I would love to read it with my husband but he hates reading.
Laura says
Overall, I do feel that this is a pretty easy read. I love reading, but I don’t like books that are complicated or that use big/hard words. This book was just right for me!