I have no idea what I’m doing.
I have a pre-teen and I don’t know what I’m doing.
I didn’t know how to have a newborn 12 years ago either, and somehow I figured it out. Will I figure this new season out too?
You know what’s rotten? Being the firstborn. Sometimes I really feel sad for Asa that he has to be the one for me to learn on. Someone has to be the one.
I look back on several things I’ve done as I’ve tried to figure out how to be a parent.
Sometimes I feel like throwing myself down in front of him and crying, “I’m so sorry, Asa. I shouldn’t have put so much pressure on you about that. I didn’t know how ridiculous I was being. I just didn’t know.”
Somehow he has survived my lack of knowing how to do this job and has turned out to be a really neat kid.
But now we’re entering this new stage and it’s weird. It’s different.
He’s entering that kid-to-adult stage. He’s starting to try to figure himself out. It’s really neat, but no, not really. Oh, but yes…it really is.
I did not enjoy that stage of my own life. How do I help my son figure it out?
You know what I’ve decided is really easy? Doing laundry. Cooking meals. Washing mountains of dishes.
But raising children? Loving your kids so much that it hurts? Trying to walk your kids through life’s changes and challenges?
Exhausting. Confusing. Painful. Frustrating.
But joyful.
And fun. And crazy. And hilarious. And super cool.
I have no idea what I’m doing. I’ve spent more time in prayer about my parenting abilities in the past few weeks than I have for the entire past twelve years.
I’m so thankful that while I feel completely clueless, I serve a God who loves me enough to offer grace and unconditional love. Oh, the comfort of knowing that I’m being guided by the Perfect Parent.
Maybe I’ll be able to handle this after all.
Keli says
OK, first,I love your site. follow it everyday. thank you for what you do.
I cried when I read your post. My oldest turned four, yes, FOUR yesterday. I don’t know where the time has gone. He’s only four, yet I feel the same way you do. He’s off to school in the fall, I have no idea how I’m going to deal with this new phase, I feel so guilty with all the mistakes I’ve made this far in his life. And he’s only four.
Thanks. :)
Amber says
Of course we can’t handle this!!! Only God can accomplish these miracles through us, but you know that. I’m right with you sister. As mom to seven, there are definitely trying times and plenty of failure. If you have ever noticed, there are NO examples of good parents in the Bible. Every single one is recorded as making terrible decisions. Look at Abraham, David, Eli. But these were men who loved God and were greatly blessed by Him. Even Mary and Joseph lost Jesus for three days!! This is always comforting to know that God loved these families, through all their brokeness, as He loves us today. Never give up. Perservere, sister, for “in due season you shall reap if you faint not”.
Josette says
The Holy Ghost will guide you. With Matt at your side all will be well.!! Perservere!
Jill Roper says
Dear Laura;
I was told 31 years ago that I would blink my eye and it would all be over. Well, I have blinked more times than I can count and I am still not done. LOL
Seriously, weeping lasts for a night but JOY comes in the morning.
Jennifer says
I’m only about a year behind you, and my oldest is a girl with all that accompanies that. It is scary at times, but as you say, thank God for prayer.
Willow says
Age of Opportunity by Paul Tripp is a book that came highly recommended recently by a the pastors leading a biblical parenting seminar. My oldest is almost six but I ordered anyway because it was so highly talked about! I don’t think these times have to be a time of turmoil and stress, prayer and wisdom will be your best guides during this time I am sure!
Suzanne says
Laura
I hear you on this! My boys are 9 (triplets – so they all get my first time mistakes and no one benefits from what I learn from those mistakes!) and I am already stressing about how I am going to get through adolescence! We can only do our best and know there will be mistakes along the way. When I am feeling down about my parenting, my dh always says (in an attempt to hep me be easier on myself) “look, at least we don’t lock them in the closest or beat them..” Somehow that is not all that comforting to me! :)
The part I am dreading is them having a whole part of themselves that I am not privy to. Now it is all open and their whole life is my business – I feel sad thinking of that changing.
You are a great mom though – can tell just in the way you talk about your boys.
Amy Lynne says
I am right there with you! My oldest is 11 1/2 and acting more like a teenager every day. He is a great kid, but I am nervous as we enter this time. Did we teach him well enough to make good decisions? Is he going to kill us as he makes this transition? I am hopeful that we’ve done our job and his foundation is strong enough to get us though this season. Good luck!
Valerie Boivin says
O bless your heart. I have 6 children, 4 are over the age of 12. The oldest is all grown and a Marine. All four have been different. Different issues, different ways of dealing with things. The best thing to do is keep praying and keep praising. He inhabits the praise of His people. And listen to the prompting of the Holy Spirit (my big mistake with the oldest, I kept praying but not really listening)
Be blessed!
Kathryn says
Thank you for your sweet, honest heart. I am so with you. My kids are not the ages of yours yet, but I, too, feel so vulnerable…so prayerful…so needy of our heavenly Father’s guidance.
That’s what is beautiful about the body of Christ….having others to walk alongside and to pray with you.
I’ll be praying for you during this time!
Betsy says
Old mom, coming from Organizing Junkie’s site—first time to read this but KNOW I’ll be be back. Love your site from this first post I’ve read. My three are now 29, 27, 25 and I’m a grandma to three. Let me be a testimony to God’s grace and wisdom when raising teens. And His protection! It is NOT an easy task, but one of the most satisfying when they are out of the nest and you’ve done your best with God’s amazing help. I read something yesterday (on one of these sites so you may have read it too or written it?)about that we’re not raising children but getting children ready to be fully functioning adults, ready to go out on their own. Keep that in mind as you go through these next few years. Our youngest, the only boy of the bunch, loved to learn HOW TO DO things! He cooked (and is a good cook now, and helps his wife greatly, he learned how to work with his dad on all kinds of things, but also, give them all kinds of practical things to do. God will guide you.
Step says
I’m clueless right along side of you! My 3 children are the same ages as your 3 oldest, so I know exactly what you are going through. My almost 12yo boy is really a jumble of emotions right now. One day he’s a pleasure to be around, the next he’s surly and nasty. I’m on my knees daily praying for guidance, praying that we’ve done enough, praying that we’ve done right by him. My MIL tells me that my huband was very much the same as our eldest boy at this age. She also said that by the age of 13-14, the worst of it should be over. Here’s hoping! Anyway, you’re not alone and I believe with a good, solid foundation in the Lord, you can’t go wrong.
Sonshine says
OH can I identify with this post! I have had reflections like this post for the last year or so as my oldest just turned 13 earlier this month.
I know that God is help me on this journey but oh it seems sooooo tough!
I loved reading the comments that you have gotten so far too! Betsy’s comments/wisdom made me cry!
Amanda says
Bless your heart! First, let me just tell you that your love for your family radiates from this blog. I’m the mother of 4 small children and so, unfortunately, I don’t have any advice to offer in this area! But God knows your son better than any other and, if you ask, He will surely guide you. I say, you are doing so much right!! Loving him and praying for guidance! What a blessed boy he is! I will keep you in my prayers this week!
Katie says
Let the Holy Spirit be your guide. If you feel like throwing yourself in front of him and telling him you are sorry, then do that, he will respect that! If you need to stand your ground, do that too! God gave your son to you, because he knew that you were the one to raise him up! I also know that at this age, ( sorry to say ) Dad is the major and you are the minor. Not that you are not extremely important in his life, just that now is the time that Dad really leaves a strong impression on him. So that is what this stranger has to say… take it with a grain of salt. I will say a prayer. Just from reading your blog, I think your son and all your sons are in capable loving hands!
Michele says
I am in the same position you are, only my son is 13, so I have been dealing with this for over a year now. It is hard but letting God take control of the things you cannot is my best advice. But I think you already have that figured out ;) Thanks for sharing that you are “real”! :)
Mia says
WOW!! I think all us first borns get over it, eventually! ;) I’m sure that with much pray you all will get through it!
Jessie says
Oh my goodness – I know exactly what you mean. my mom always said that God should have made the first child disposable because we mess up so many times with them!
LouAnne says
I’m going to second the poster who recommended “Age of Opportunity.” Such a wonderful resource for parenting teens.
It’s funny, but I raised two sons (now almost 24 and 22) and am THANKFUL to report they love the Lord and their parents. :-) The funny part is now I’m raising two more, a girl and a boy (almost 9 and 4) and feel like I don’t have a clue.
Thing is, I’ve never had a clue, but I’ve had the Author and Perfecter of THEIR faith Who is intimately aware of all their needs and Who specifically chose me as their mom. Many factors (failings) of my parenting has brought their sin to the surface and also my own sin. God uses that relationship with our children every single day, to continue to the work of sanctification in our hearts. Two words; humility and grace (“God resists the proud, but gives grace to the humble..”) should govern our parenting.
Mind blowing, isn’t it? That it’s much more about the Gospel and the working out of all the Gospel is, than anything else. :-)
Trusting that He will provide all you need, according to His riches, in raising these precious children. Also trusting that the knowledge that He’s also raising you will permeate your parenting and fill you with HOPE! Blessings to you!!
Kika says
Hi Laura – boy I’ve been there too but want to offer a word of encouragement! My son’s grade six year (he was 11/12) was rough for us both. I had a strong sense that we were in a crucial transitional time and his behaviour challenged me. This wasn’t that long ago and I remember oh, so clearly, all the times I passionately discussed this with my friends. But this past year (grade 7, he just turned 13 yo) he became this very joyful, goofy, young teenager…with only a few “sullen moments” thrown into the mix. I am now witnessing some of my friends walk through the same thing – I think there are a few ages/transitional times that are particularly rough (gd5/6 and then 15/16 yo, for instance). It seems like they want to grow up but are still so immature and you wonder if they’ll ever make the leap… BUT THEY DO :) And they are designed to by their incredible creator. So be encouraged… love him up (and feed him lots – this was a major “love language” to my son through his rough patches) and you’ll probably stand here in a year or so amazed at all the wonderful changes you see in the young man standing before you.
Karen says
Boy, I know what you’re talking about. My girlfriend and I call our eldests the “test children.” It helps to keep a sense of humor, I think. I am an eldest and I turned out (mostly) okay!!
Holly says
I could relate to everything you’ve said. My oldest just turned 11, my youngest is 8. I’m with you, I think I’ve spent more time in prayer about my boys this year than in my previous 10 years of parenting. We’re already seeing shades of what is to come with the moods, etc. And he and I seem to clash more, but with prayer and faith and a good husband, I know we’ll all get there!
Loved this.
Betsy says
Just wanted you all to know that raising sons (and daughters) is one of the hardest things I EVER did in my entire life (are you all nodding yes to this?) Let’s face it, we’re females—not males, and we’re trying to raise sons and daughters in a world way different than when we grew up. I’m so thankful I have a wonderful husband who had a great relationship with all three of our children. I can look back at all of it now, and could probably write a book about some of the crazy things they did, some they just shared with me, but GOD in His love for them brought them through it—including our son’s two tours in Iraq with the Marines. Best of all, at this time, they are all walking with the Lord, and I praise Him for that! Your personal relationship with Him is a huge, huge part of how your children will look at God in their teen years.
Jami says
I, too, feel the need to be on my knees daily for these children the Lord has given me! I feel like a blind person feeling their way through a new house. I did a short post around mother’s day that illustrates the mysteries of motherhood (especially for sons)you might relate to:
http://www.anoregoncottage.com/search/label/Random%20Thoughts
Stacy says
Oh word, but I can relate to this! Of course, my girls are only 5 and 2, but already I am seeing that poor Emily is my practice child. I have no clue what I am doing and, sometimes, I fear it really shows! Thank you for being so honest!
Mia says
Ok, so totally off the subject of kids. I made the Strawberry Bread a couple of nights ago. My whole family loved it!! In fact we only havve a small piece left of the two loaves. Sorry, back on track. Making the bread made me wonder what kind of cook/baker are you. Do you follow a recipe exactly? When you measure, is everything exact? Or are you an eyeballer? I rarely stray from or add to a recipe, everything is always measured exactly. Which made me wonder, how do YOU do it?? Inquiring minds want to know. Or maybe it’s just me…
Jessica says
I totally feel like that w my first born all the way around. I go to God often & pray for wisdom! From reading your blog I think you are doing a great job!
Suzanne says
I was there a few short years ago. A very kind mother of two sons gave me advice that I took and it worked well for us. I needed to recognize that he was becoming a young man (no longer a boy). Although I am his mother I am also a woman and in Biblical terms he is transitioning into his rightful place. That place didn’t mean that he had the right to be disrespectful to me or that I still wasn’t in charge, it simply meant for us that I had to begin treating him with a kind of respect that I gave to his Dad. It made all the difference in the world and with much prayer it helped make his transition and mine much easier.
Erin Blair says
I’m definitely not to that stage yet…my oldest will be 9 in 2 months, but my time is coming. Something our pastor has mentioned that he has done with his children when they turned either 12 or 13 was to go through the book of Proverbs doing one chapter a day & discussing it together. Maybe the child could even do a journal/notebook & write down the verses that speak to them.
I also thought it would be interesting to do a year long Proverbs study with that child picking a different topic to focus on each month…like money for instance. Each day you would read the Proverb for the day (Chapter 1 on the 1st, etc) & finding the verses that deal with money & writing them down in a journal. At the end of the year, they will have a notebook/journal filled with God’s wisdom on a variety of topics in one central location.
Just some thoughts that I hope you & your readers will find helpful…Erin
Angela says
As a mom who has raised two boys into adulthood and one still in the works, I understand your trepidation! ;) But I don’t think anyone becomes an expert. It’s sort of like riding a roller coaster – you relax a little more after the first time, but you still hold on tight! And they are all different, so the challenges change. But then you will turn around and be so proud of your young man – some days it feels like it will never come, but it will!
Cassie J. says
We’ve been going to a class that is using the Five Love Languages of Teens and it’s been great. We joked that we were going to start a Support Group for Parents of Teens! Find other parents that have older boys, they’ll give you lots of helpful hints.