I loved all of your responses about how you are a helper to your husband. It was wonderful to establish that our role as wives is simply to be our husband’s helper. Thank you. I think we can all be encouraged to read how each of us work to meet our husband’s individual needs.
I’ve read a quite few marriage books, both from Christian and secular perspectives.
They were all pretty good books…but after reading them and trying to apply them…I often felt guilt and frustration. Guilt because after studying and learning about how to be a great help meet…I STILL fall way short of perfection. Frustration because there were still parts about being a help meet described in the books that I just didn’t get. How do I do this again? Why can’t I do a better job of this? What is the matter with me?
Why can’t I smile at my husband adoringly every time he’s in the room? Why can’t I always meet him at the door when he gets home from work, throw my arms around him and give him a big affectionate kiss, hand him his slippers and the newspaper and massage his shoulders for thirty minutes on the sofa? Why do I STILL sometimes act irrationally about some of the things he does that frustrate me? For that matter, why…when I’m trying to do all these wonderful things to be a good help meet to him does he still do some of the same things that frustrate me? Shouldn’t the way I’m being such a good help-meet make him change all his frustrating ways?
After much prayer and reflection sprinkled in with strong urges to kick, scream or break something, it has finally occurred to me that while I’m still striving toward being a perfect help-meet, I am never going to be perfect. My husband is never going to be perfect. Our marriage is never going to be perfect. We are two imperfect individuals, designed by God to be and to think very differently.
Wives, some days we’re going to have sad hearts. Some days our husbands are really going to make us mad. Sometimes they will say something that hurts our feelings. Some days we will have given so much of ourselves to our home, work and children, we will feel like we have nothing to give to our husbands at the end of the day.
The problem then is not in our emotions and feelings. We will all continue to occasionally feel sad, tired, mad, hurt, frustrated, over-worked, annoyed, some of the above, all of the above. None of those feelings are wrong or sinful. They’re normal, because life and marriage are full of real moments and real hard work.
The problem and sin comes in how we respond to those feelings and emotions. We can say something ugly to our husbands. We can have a pity party for ourselves all day and sulk and pout. We can be short with our children. We can ignore our husbands or try to “punish” them. We can whine to a bunch of our friends about “men” and “just wait till I tell you what he did this time”. All of these responses are wrong and sinful. They may tend to be our natural responses…the easier responses…but, they are sinful.
Instead, get on your knees and beg God to show you how you can respond to your feelings with grace and mercy. Anything less will just throw us into a well of self-righteous pity. I’ve been there and done that. While choosing to be merciful is A MUCH HARDER DECISION, in the long run (and because we’re trying to let God help us do things His way) our marriages will be so much more peaceful when we choose what is right.
Share With Us: Just like we did in this Real Mom post, let’s all reassure each other that none of us is perfect, nor do we have perfect husbands or perfect marriages. Leave a comment to let us know that you, your husband and your marriage are all real…with bumps and road blocks (and times of bliss and merriment too). This is NOT A MEN BASHING OPPORTUNITY. This is a time to encourage each other and to let each other know that as Christian women, we are all in this together.
Challenge Yourself: Think of some of the ways you respond to your husband when you are frustrated about something he’s done. Pray! – and start planning NOW for how you can handle that these situations with mercy and grace.
We’ll talk more soon about some specifics and “how-tos” of choosing mercy and peace in our moments of frustration. In the meantime…let’s all take a quick moment to share that we are all real so that none of us feels like we are the only ones in a real marriage.
Rebekah says
We are so not perfect but we’re working at communicating better and I just want others to see that we love each other and we have fun together. Marriage is fun people, it’s not a ball and chain, I hate that mentality. I love my husband =)!!!
Jodi says
Yes, we’ve encountered bumps (and mountains) along the way and we’re not perfect at all but we’re fully committed to each other and love each other despite our imperfections. When most cultural examples depict men as childish idiots who can barely tie their shoes, I’m so thankful for the wonderful husband God has given me and strive to be the best help-meet I can.
melanie says
This is something I try to remember when my DH or anyone else ‘gets my goat’… Jen Igarashi writes very real articles – here’s one I have used in bridal shower devos: “the hag, the ogre, and the chocolate cake” (see http://www.crosswalk.com/homeschool/11581882/ )
I used to say the valleys helped us to appreciate the mountaintops more. But I am now so thankful to say that we don’t have so many or so deep of valleys as we did early on. (now married 17+ years) Unlike Mr. Moses (? was that your interviewed friend last week?), I give more credit for this to my husband. Not that I haven’t grown, but when he decided – and showed me – that he wanted to love me like Christ loved the church (instead of an attitude of ‘Give and Take’), that was when our marriage relationship moved up several notches =)
But YES, I guess you were asking for the Real Life Marriage admission – and we are in – we both make mistakes, we both sin, we both choose to be selfish. But we also LOVE it when we have a right relationship =)
Long ago now, my good friend promised to tell my new husband, “You married a sinner!” And she suggested that we needed to have a fight before we got married to see if we were both pouters. Whatever do you suppose she meant by that?!
Kari says
Sort of off topic from what you just asked for comments on but, I kept meaning to post something last week and didn’t get around to it. I wasn’t sure how to word it but here’s my stab. As so many commented (and do so well), I think we are to be a help meet in simply helping with life’s daily chores and tasks. But I think it is much more than that. It is not just about division of labor, is it? Adam was lonely and also needed companionship. And beyond that, I think about how can I help my husband (and vice versa) to stand strong against the sinful nature. And I think about the sinful things that I do that are not helpful to our relationship. (my pride, my selfishness, my “have to be right” attitude)
Now, to address the “encourage ourselves” part of this week’s post– I thank the Lord that I love my husband and he loves me and we’re committed to working through things instead of letting them be the beginning of the end. I’m thankful for all the patience my husband shows me when I frustrate him and I’m thankful that I give him grace and show him patience too.
Carmen says
I think, sometimes as women, when our husbands do something to irritate us we want to tell our moms, sisters or friends about it. I used to call one of my friends and tell her. But, I am thankful that early in my marriage a pastors wife said “if you ever have anything negative to say about your husband, tell it to God and no one else”. I now give that advice to others. We are not perfect but we have an amazing marriage!
Carrie says
My husband and I have had to go through some ongoing serious battles with trust issues in only 2 1/2 years of marriage. I have been so tempted to respond with anger (and I usually do for a little while), shame, and belittling. God always reminds me that I too am a sinner and am in no way better than my husband, though his sins may often look worse on the outside than mine.
But even though it’s been hard on us, we have grown and matured so much by learning to truly forgive each other the way Christ forgives us. There is no end to the love and mercy you can extend to your spouse and others when you know how much has been extended to you!
Sonja says
I too struggle with staying positive when around friends. While I tend to not say too much about my own husband, I am quick to smile, nod and agree when they put down their own spouse. This is truly a timely post as I head into another busy week where it is all too easy to feel negative. Remembering to pray will encourage me to stay positive and support my husband through his day.
Jennifer in northern alaska says
I agree with some of the other ladies who wrote about how difficult it is to stay positive when friends constantly bash their husbands (i have one acquaintance who calls her spouse the hus-beast!!!)
For my part- my husband and I have a good marriage. I have two areas where I particularly struggle- the first is in my inner expectations. Marriage is not what I thought it would be, there is much less romance and chocolate. I received good advice once- “if you want flowers, buy flowers every week. if you want chocolate, buy yourself chocolate every time you go grocery shopping. then you won’t resent your husband for not doing it.” I do buy myself a little chocolate treat when I shop…. and then when my sweet man DOES leave work early just so he can walk (in -20 degrees) to my favorite fudge ship before it closes- that is EXTRA special:-) but… i still have a hard time thinking “what if”… or “how come he doesn’t act like…”
The second is in the way we fight. When we get mad- both of us will simply stop talking and tense silence reigns for the night. We always (almost always) make up the next day…. but man do i wish I had the guts and the grace to humbly confront the cold silence….
Kathy Shaner says
Laura, thank you for specifying that men-bashing is not the way to go. It’s so uncomfortable to hear it when women do that, and I never know how to deal with it. I appreciate your pointing out that none of us are better off when that happens.
Having been married for just a few years, I still feel like a novice, although we got married later in life. But what has surprised me in these years is how much it matters that we both be ourselves. And give one another the safety to deal with things honestly and for real. I didn’t have that kind of environment growing up, and it’s been a learning experience for me. But oh, so worth it! When I’m mad or sad, I can let him know (and he cheers me on as I express my feelings). When he’s feeling down or is upset at something, I know that even if I have to work at being okay with it, it really is okay.
So even when one of us is mad at the other, I’ve come to see that THAT’S okay too. I think that dealing with that anger with love and respect instead of beating the other person down) is a way to do what Jesus said– ‘in your anger do not sin.’
It’s very hard to do sometimes…
Rochelle says
One of the things that I’ve learned about “being real” in my marriage (8 years) is that most of the time when I’m mad at him, it’s usually my problem. I’ve let 20 little things build up until 1 thing he does makes me furious! And that’s my fault for letting it build up. Also one of my short comings is expecting him to read my mind. I’ve learned (esp about my husband) is if I don’t tell him, don’t expect it to be done! So usually if I’m angry, I first search myself to make sure that the anger I’m experiencing isn’t coming from my own problems.
Holly says
Hee hee, this is a good opportunity to share that I told my hubby that I wanted chocolates for Valentines this year. He’s never done anything for the holiday before, and of course when we were dating I told him I thought it was a silly holiday (but back then he used to bring me flowers every week so I was getting my fill of romance). But now he doesn’t do anything romantic, not really. So instead of getting mad at him this year, I told him what I needed emotionally and physically from him on February 14th. When he acted puzzled, I explained that I missed the romance, and sometimes I don’t want to be treated like a mommy, I wanted to be treated like a lady. It was a big moment in our relationship, because I told him what I needed instead of childishly hoping he would magically guess and surprise me.
I have to laugh when I think about that conversation because he was so sweet about it but had no clue what day Valentines was, and then wanted to know why I wanted chocolates because “you’re not going to eat them anyways.” We had a good laugh about my bad track record with sweets (I’m a nibbler and a saver). It was such a painless conversation, and so much better than me feeling hurt and disappointed and resentful!!
Shonda says
Sometimes I get discouraged because my husband does not meet all of my expectations, but then I think about that I probably don’t meet all of his either and that puts me in perspective. One thing that I do that really keeps me on track is to PRAY for my husband every day. Not only do I pray for him, but I pray especially for myself (See Power of a Praying Wife).
Cammie says
I am so thankful that I married my best friend…I love him so much and really thats why I think my little frustrations with him affect me so much! If I was not so passionate about the guy, what he did would not matter to me. I do realize though that when our fights are ugliest is when I am being self-centered and wanting it “my way or the highway”. I am thank-full that I married a Godly man and that we can look to the Lord to perfect us. Thank you for this series, it is a timely reminder to me.
Melinda says
Thank you so much for this post. I rarely EVER meet my husband at the door at the end of day, let alone acknowledge he has entered the house! Not because I don’t love him – I do and we have a great relationship. But he walks in and the kids attack and want his every attention and just let them. In my mind it is like this: “Oh, good, he’s home. I can do what I need and he can take care of this kids.” He’s MY help-meet. I do not want it to be that way and this was a great eye-opener to something I never really gave a second thought but I know he will truly appreciate the loving attention.
Pat says
This is for a little chuckle. A few years ago in church, the teacher in the class asked, “who in here is perfect?” I raised my hand, and she then said, “well, most of us are not” and then continued with her lesson. A friend came up to me after classs and said that I must have some type of explanation to my comment, and I explained to her that I was perfect at being imperfect. We both got a chuckle.
Our husbands are perfect in that area also. Perfect at being imperfect.
Danielle says
My husband and I have literally been to hell and back in our almost 5 years of marriage. There was a time about 2 years ago when we couldn’t stand each other. I didn’t like him and he didn’t like me. We would spend the evenings playing with our 18 month old son and preparing for the very soon birth of our daughter, but we had nothing to say to each other, nothing in common, nothing to share. Any attempts at conversation always led to horrific blow-out arguements.
My parents are divorced and his mom is remarried, so I was always asking myself the question, “Why not just get divorced?” The problem was that there was this small piece of my heart that could almost see the person I fell in love with 2 years earlier. His parents encouraged divorce, and oddly enough my parents kept telling us to give it some time. They were still grappling with the devastating pain of divorce in their own lives. They didn’t want us to give up.
Everything changed when I went in for my 2nd c-section to have Izzy delivered. I had been on blood thinners during pregnancy and the dosage was miscalculated before delivery. I nearly bled out on the operating table. In recovery they couldn’t get my heartrate to stabilize for several hours. It was scary. But most importantly, that near death experience brought a lot of my own selfishness and pride into clear focus- it was sin.
The road from that day, September 14, 2007 until today has been long, painful, full of tears and prayers and constant failures. I’m still quick to belittle my husband and disrespect him. But thank God I’m not where I used to be. My husband is my best friend again, and we have never experienced as close of a relationship with anyone else as we do with each other.
The book that helped me the most was “Power of a Praying Wife” by Stormie O’Martin. I still pray those prayers almost every day.
The most important part, to me, of being the best helpmeet as possible for my husband is going to God Himself each day asking for my eyes to be opened to how I need to change, what my wrong actions and behaviors are, etc. He never lies to me, and His advice has never been wrong.
(Sorry for such a long reply.)
Morgan says
Honestly, it was a lot easier to respond to the “real moms” post. I think because I know I am a good mom even if my house and kids aren’t perfect but I know I fall waaay short of being a good wife. I have trouble letting go of past hurts, remembering that he is not perfect (and neither am I), and keeping score. I pray for our marriage every day because I know Satan would love nothing more than to split us up.
Nikki says
Wow. I have loved reading this post today and all of the comments. I have alot to work on. I grew up with a father that belittled my mother, was an alcoholic, made my mother fix every little thing for him and if it wasn’t right he went irate. When he was in the house we were all on pins and needles trying to not mess up. My mother feared him. So, when I got married almost 5 years ago I had this mentality. “You can fix your plate yourself.” “I am not your servant.” “You have 2 hands and feet just like I do.” “I am not your maid.” “Go get it yourself.”
I just cringe typing these words out. I felt this way because I did not want to marry someone like my dad. Every time my husband would ask for something it would make me think of my parents marriage and I would get very “independent” and selfish.
We have hit several rough spots but have come a long way. I have been praying for my husband and our marriage daily and then God led me here.
I am so excited to become a better help meet for my husband. Thank you!
Donna says
Well said Laura!
My dh sometimes will say;
“you can’t help how you feel, but you can help what you DO!”
Learning that feelings can be somewhat irrelevant is true wisdom!….now if I can only teach my boys that just because they FEEL like taking their brother’s toy, doesn’t mean that they should….. ;-)