I’ve tried several times to write about this, only to find my fingers paralyzed at the keyboard. I’ve experienced God at work enough during this past year to understand that the lack of words meant that God was saying, “No. Not yet.” And so I stepped away, waiting for God’s timing.
I’ve gone through rough times before. I’ve been through the refining fire and been taught tough lessons that have brought me closer to God. Those times were always accompanied by an obvious difficult situation – like the illness and death of my mom, or a major job transition for Matt that gave way to confusion and discouragement.
But this. This came at a time when all was well. Better than well, in my opinion. A thriving marriage, healthy children, growing businesses, a time of living our dreams. Life was good – and I asked God to show me His power and how He could use me best. After all, we should never get to a point that we feel we’ve arrived. To whom much is given, much is expected (Luke 12:48). I believe God expected more of me. I asked Him to show me what that meant. And He said, “I can’t until you give up your self.”
I didn’t really know that was what He was asking at first. All I knew was that life as I knew it began to change. I began to have more anxiety. I was having frequent migraine headaches. I began struggling with what has always come naturally for me, like inviting people into my home, giving of myself to others – wanting to be with people at all.
Which heaped guilt onto my anxiety. Didn’t God call us to love others? To serve? To sacrifice? To give of ourselves? What was the matter with me? What kind of Christian was I anyway?
I had found myself in the midst of spiritual battle, wrestling constantly with who I was, what God required of me, how I was supposed to love people, and in the midst of it all, how I was supposed to put dinner on the table.
(And here you thought that the Getting Ahead in the Kitchen eCourse and eBook were written as a normal part of my site. Truly, they were born out of my own need, solidifying everything I’ve always shared about preparing healthy food for days you don’t have time or energy to cook. In the midst of struggling emotionally and spiritually, keeping myself physically healthy became more important than ever.)
I’m getting a little bit ahead of myself. For now, here are some of the truths He is teaching me:
- When we ask God to show us what He wants us to do, He will show us. When we listen, He will speak.
- Spiritual battle is exhausting. Allowing ourselves to rest in the midst of it is wise and necessary. Taking care of our physical health is very important to our emotional health.
- God is faithful to always provide what we need.
- Sometimes we are called to serve; sometimes we are called to be served.
- The Holy Spirit convicts us of our guilt when we are sinning, which leads us to repentance. But the nagging, worrisome, hopeless, unhealthy guilt that torments our thoughts does not come from the Father. It comes from listening to lies from the enemy.
Are you hanging on to unhealthy guilt that you need to let go of? Join me in drop-kicking it in the name of Jesus. Trust me when I say that hanging on to guilt keeps us focused on self instead of our Savior.
Emily says
Wow. Thank you so much for sharing this. I’m sure it was emotional and challenging for you. For what it’s worth, you ministered to my heart. I have been in, and I think still am in, an intense spiritual battle for weeks if not months. It’s been disorienting and disheartening. But I completely and whole-heartedly appreciate the Light you just shed in this post. Thank you, sister.
Sally says
Guilt has always been baggage that I have tried to drop off. I just keep picking it back up at times. You are so right about listening. Although, that is the greatest challenge in raising a family and the busyness of life. It seems silly, but I feel guilty for sitting down and being quiet with the Lord to listen…the enemy whispers I’m not being productive. I’m learning to hear His voice as well.
Spiritual battle is exhausting. It is real though and we must never forget that. Christ has overcome the one in the world though and that should always be the truth front and center we focus on.
Thanks for being brave enough to share such a personal struggle that many of us have, but keep to ourselves. It reminds me of the song by Casting Crowns “Stain Glass Masquerade”.
Jenny says
I’ve been praying for you and will continue to do so! *hugs*
Sharon W. says
Wonderfully put, Laura! God is using you. I am finding out more and more when I ask God to show me things or change me, those changes are brought about in ways that are often not “neat and tidy”. Sometimes the real ugly things can bring about the real beautiful things.
shannon says
You are such a blessing. Thank you for your honesty. This is the type of topic that some people may not relate to yet, but eventually we all will. It was surprising to me when my current trial hit as it did. The devil has waged new tactics, trying to challenge my faith in God. And I can relate as I was smacked hard out of the blue. I remember the day before my trial beginning, I was breastfeeding my baby and musing how good things have been. I am glad to have that memory, that things can and will be better.
Thank you for your points at the end! So need all of those. Though trials and refining hurt, may you and everyone else become more Christlike as a result. God bless your honesty.
Lin says
Laura,
Thank you so much for your post! I have also been dealing with this. It started for me with guilt over things that I had done over 25 years ago. Now it is just general anxiety and dissatisfaction with life. I am just like you, I feel like God is telling me to give myself over completely to Him. I believe that for me I have a fear that God will ask me to do something that I do not want to do.
Thanks again for sharing! It always helps to know that we are not alone in our struggles. God bless you.
phyllis says
Laura thank you for sharing so openly and honestly. We are always in spiritual battle. But for women the battle seems to be fiercer when our hormones are out of whack. I am referring to a season in our lives that we all go through, that is menopause and perimenopause. Do not beat yourself up about your new found thoughts, but continue to turn To GOD THE FATHER for guidance during this and next few years. I fought my most fierce battles during that 4 year period. But as a result you will be more intune with your spiritual needs, You are blessed with a loving and understanding husband(God given and God centered). Please lean on God for quidance and lean on your husband for emotional support also. feel free to email any time you need to vent in private. Loving you in God’s love and you have been such a blessing to me and younger women. A wise Godly woman once told me, “when you enter into battle, expect to catch a few arrows”. It is God that provides the healing ointment for those wounds.
Rachel says
Hang in there and keep a smile on your face. The end result is worth the sacrifices :)
Suzanne Shelby says
Thank you so much for being so open. You show the rest of us that we are all human and in this together. Your emails are one of the few I haven’t unsubscribed too because I just love hearing everything about your family and life. Keep growing and I will be praying for you guys!!
Nicole @ I'm staying home with my mom says
Very well timed post!!! My story is long, so I won’t go into it, but know that you are not alone and that I sympathize with every part of this story (as far as the guilt and spiritual warfare). Prayers for you……
Mama654 says
This is where God is taking me in my walk as well- but healing me at the same time. There are some parts I have been so stubborn to release- or even not quite sure how- but He is patient!
Also we would love to try the flour! I will have to check it out!
Amanda K. B. says
Your posts are coming right on time for me and helping me to put things into perspective. Please let the Holy Spirit continue to guide you in your posts and in your life. You have truly been a blessing to me.
Andrea says
This is so challenging for me as I wonder sometimes if I’m keeping myself just enough out of God’s reach for growth and change. I don’t know. I feel like daily living is almost too much of a challenge right now. Forget a refiner’s fire. Right now I just pray that I’m not growing stagnant and replacing a relationship with Him with works. Thanks again for being real. You are such a wonderful example in my life.
Lynne Bokelman says
Thank you for sharing these personal struggles you have. I have the same going on and I am 70!! You would think by now God would be through refining me!! In fact He is showing me more of my behaviors are self serving than I ever imagined. Thank God I am able to die to those when I see them. I am living in more freedom than ever before. I am my own worst enemy. Thanks.
Jessica @ redeemingthehome says
Thank you so much for sharing. I’ve felt guilt and confusion often about the same things. Social anxiety and becoming a bit of a recluse is so far from what I used to be. Thanks for your encouragement…looking forward to learning from your experience as you share. Blessings.
Rebecca Johnson says
What He shares with us often is “Success is in the details”. He has used this to put our life onto the path of peace and so much more. Think about it. When every detail in your life is as it should be – the whole picture of your life becomes one of beauty and peace. And only He can show you what you need to do with each detail and He will show you details you were not aware of if you ask Him to. For us it has been an intense adventure and worth every moment!
Mary says
Wow Laura. Thank you for sharing. Sometimes these seasons and lessons are thrust upon us. I have struggled this past year too. I lost my youngest of four to suicide a year ago in May. He was on the autism spectrum and had bipolar disorder. We had several really tough years with him. Losing him was difficult (will always be) beyond anything I could imagine, but I hung onto Jesus with all my might. Then his sister, closest in age, also adopted from Korea (so had another “connection” with him), was overcome with grief and guilt and became suicidal too. Then there was a job disappointment. Suddenly, my trust in the Lord, that had always gotten me through, seemed to be only in my head and not in my heart. I felt guilty about that and discouraged that my faith, that I was almost prideful about, was so fragile and small, or so it seemed. I listened to the Tenth Avenue song, Worn, over and over because that is how I felt. I knew it is/was a season, but it sure didn’t feel good. I am coming out of this desert and have learned a lot. In the process of all this pain and crisis of faith, a ministry has been born. He was still able to use me, at my lowest point, to touch the lives of others. Something I should not have been able to do, but could do with joy even in the darkest desert because our God isn’t limited and He not only can use us at our weakest points, He makes us a more powerful testimony of His love. “That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.” Corinthians 12:10 I love you Laura. Never miss a post. I drop in and out of other blogs but never yours. I am praying for you.
Rebecca Johnson says
The Lord has led me to pray for you. My brother is married to a Korean who was adopted when she was about 12 years old. We are so thankful that she was rescued from the orphanage she was in. With adoptions, especially from other cultures, there are challenges. One of the challenges that most people are unaware of are strongholds. This means the generational curses that are present in some families through many, many years of not knowing God – not knowing that there is a way of escape. This is why so many children are plagued with difficulties that are hard to understand. It is crucial that you pray about strongholds and ask your heavenly Father what you need to do. It cannot be left unattended. Seek Him on this and know His love never fails us. Amazing things happen when we seek Him for the truth. And when you need to listen to music find some praise music, for when we praise Him, He comes nearer to us and that makes good things happen. This link is for a cd the Lord led us to by Michael W Smith called a New Hallelujah http://www.amazon.com/A-New-Hallelujah-Michael-W-Smith/dp/B001EYGO9W. Will continue to pray for you.
Natalia says
I wonder if many of us are going through the very same thing, in a wave. There was a thriving fig tree in the yard of the abandoned house next door that withered before our eyes in a matter of weeks. I believe it was a message, spoken loud and clear, solidifying the more subtle messages God has been speaking to me for months. Do not just appear as if you are bearing fruit.
This John Piper sermon on the renewing of the mind spoke to me… http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ApIg22vigBI
Sarah says
Thank you for this post! I am certain right now that God lead me to this blog, and possibly led you to write these words at this time, specifically for my soul. I am struggling so much with stress and a general sense of feeling overwhelmed on a daily basis. It is draining me, my husband and my kids. Thank you for the reminder that this is spiritual battle and that the spirit convicts but it is the enemy that brings us to a sense of defeat. Thank you for following Gods lead so my spirit could be encouraged today.
Rebecca Johnson says
What the Lord continually speaks and shows my husband and I is that nothing is as hard as it seems. This is part of the spiritual warfare. Satan wants you to think things are harder to walk through than they really are. Truly knowing God in a personal way means that you know that He is the way maker in every part of our life. His way is peace. So if something is not happening in a peaceful manner take time out and talk to your Creator and ask Him to show you the truth of what is happening. Make this a regular part of your life and you will find that stress is removed from your life.
Kristy says
Laura, thank you for your post. I feel in many ways this same struggle and anxiety that you have written about as well as the women who have commented. Mine has been with struggling with a daughter, feeding my family healthier food, anxiety over illness with our daughters, and relearning to trust the Lord fully. I feel like I have been taking the reins and not letting Him fully lead. What a learning curve that has been. Too many times we want to trust in what we know and not take that step of faith. I have been so encouraged by your blog. You have taught me so much in feeding my family more healthy options and getting off of premade mixes. I will be praying for you, that the Lord will show Himself strong on your behalf and strengthen you, for it is when we are weak, He is strong. What promises the Lord has for us!
Robin Van Norman says
Thanks so much for sharing. We are struggling with our 14 year old daughter. She returned to public school last year after home schooling for 8 years. There was a tremendous amount of bullying – and was not dealt with by school officials. This year, as a freshman, we thought things were better – until yesterday when the school called and said they’d been given a note our daughter had written to another student. Our daughter spoke of considering suicide and hurting herself because of the way she was being treated. Much praying last night and much more to come. It is all in his hands and he will show us the way.
Rebecca Johnson says
I was raised in public school but all of my nieces and nephews have been home schooled. I have myself been involved in homeschooling the children of other people. I have seen both sides. I understand the stresses and as a child myself in public school was ridiculed because I did not choose to take part in that which was wrong. Your daughter has experienced something similar to culture shock. I went through that after coming back to the US from living in a foreign country as a missionary. In culture shock it feels like the world you knew has ended. Everything feels strange, even threatening. You do not feel safe. You even long for a place to run and hide. I have encountered people who have been homeschooled for most of their growing up years and the most of them cannot handle extreme situations on their own. One suffering from “culture shock” wants desperately to return to where they used to be. However a part of growing up is having to face major changes and learning that no matter what,if they have a good relationship with Jesus, He is the one to talk to and they must learn to trust. Pray for her and ask God to let you know what you need to do in detail for she cannot handle this alone and she needs to know that you are definitely there for her. Remember, satan wants you and she to think things are harder to walk through than they really are. Talk to Him a lot so that you can talk to her. Praying for you all.
Mary says
Robin, I am praying for you, your daughter and your family.
Rebecca Knox says
Wow, Laura! I felt like I was reading something I could have written myself after the past year…year and a half! I’m sorry that you’ve gone through this, but I’m glad to know that I’m not alone in experiences like this. I’m thankful for your honesty and encouragement. I look forward to future posts!
Emily says
I hope you can see that the bravery and courage you are showing by being so open and raw is blessing and encouraging so many. Love you so much!
Karen Dee says
What an awesome word. Thank you for sharing. Yes, I often have to remember guilt is from the enemy and put it behind me.. Not always easy. But, our sins have been paid for. We are free.
Tiffany says
What a marvelous God we serve! He loves us enough to draw out even the sneakiest sins in our hearts and not relent until they are dealt with. He cares little for our comfort and much for our closeness to Himself. I’ve come to realize that struggle is a sign of God’s unwavering love to His own. He loves us enough to make us so uncomfortable that we finally recognize that He is all we need and everything we need is found only in Him. To His glory and never ours. God bless you and thank you for your honesty!
Mary says
Thank you so much for this post. God is using it in my life. I can’t wait until He has you post more. You are a mighty woman of God to be willing to post something so private for the sake of helping us. May God reward your faithfulness.
Julie says
:: hug::
Susan F says
We must all remember that Satan is out to tear us apart.
Laura, I’m so glad you posted this. It is important for us to share struggles so that others can hold us up in prayer. Right now I have to make a decision and the more I try the more confused I get!
I also have the challenge of Crohn’s Disease and that has led to nutrition deficiencies. I have had severe panic attacks and could hardly leave the house for several months. At the same time perimenopause was a new blossoming situation.
We all have so many things going on.
I’ll be praying for you. You may have overburdened your body or having anxiety due to early perimenopause. It could be as I first stated, Satan could be trying to disrupt your mission in life. Keep giving yourself times of quiet with the Lord and ask for prayer when you need it.
Pray for one another everyone.
Mara says
Wow. Awesome….thanks for opening up and sharing. Will be praying for you.
Tina says
Have been using these grains more often. Need to order some from them.
Julie says
Laura: First may I say, Praise God for his refining work in your life and for your sensitive heart to hear hHim. I have been plagued by guilt my ENTIRE life. Without going into all the gory details, suffice it to say, I have cried out to God on numerous occassions. I recently read a quote from Paul Tripp that gave me some clarity. Yes, I am guilty of sin. Yes, Jesus died for that sin. But, what about about the Joy of the Lord? As my heart grew more sensitive, my guilt increased. Surely, there was no joy here? I finally realized, with God’s constant help, that this “guilt” was no more than a sensitive heart groaning to be like my Savior. Not guilt for sin, but a DEEP,desire to obey and grow. I pray you will continue to grow in His grace and that we can continue to serve our Great Savior. Love and prayers.
Danielle B says
I’ve been reading your journey through emails as I’ve been busy lately :-(. It ironically, we are on a VERY identical path right now. I can relate 100%. It’s nice to know I’m not alone in what’s going on.
Much love an drugs to you Laura. :-).
Laura says
It’s great to hear from you and I pray that God will give you strength for this journey as He brings the healing and wholeness that only He can provide.
P.S. I’m assuming you meant “hugs” not “drugs” but either way, it gave me a chuckle. :)
Danielle B says
LOL… Yes hugs. Stupid autocorrect. Now I’m laughing lol.
Praying for you too. A third thing I meant to say :-). Freedom to be ourselves, the selves that have been longing to come out.