Becoming a Better Help Meet: GET HELP!!!
By
I had another Help Meet post all sweetly written up to encourage you to empower your husband to be better. But that one is going to have to wait.
You know why? Because there are marriages all around me that are hurting and falling apart. If I hear of one more marriage break up from people that I love and care about, I’m just going to scream! Right now I’m mad. I’m mad and I’m sad and my heart is broken. I’m mad at Satan for destroying marriages and I’m mad at couples for letting Satan do what he loves and is so good at doing. Christians and non-Christians alike are letting Satan win. Stop it. Stop it!!! Stop it!!!!!
If your marriage is less than wonderful…you don’t get to cop out. You DON’T! You don’t get to say, “Laura, I know what the Bible says…but you just don’t know what I’ve been through in my marriage.”
You know what I keep hearing from couples who are deciding to split up? “We’ve had trouble for years.” “There have been issues in our marriage for years.” “We’ve always had really difficult things to work through in our marriage.”
Oh, really? You’ve had trouble for years? How shocking! Name one married couple that hasn’t “had trouble for years”! Everyone always thinks their troubles are harder to work through than anyone else’s troubles. And so…working through them just doesn’t seem like an option.
You want to know why your marriage is difficult? It’s because marriage is difficult! It’s because two sinners married each other and have to try to figure out how to live together in harmony with God in the center. Satan hates what you’re trying to do and he’s going to do everything he can to destroy you. It’s a spiritual battle. So yes, THAT is difficult.
If your marriage is in ANY kind of trouble…PLEASE GET HELP! Before it’s too late. Too many couples are ashamed or embarrassed or too full of pride to ask for help. Then they are divorced before anyone who loves them has a chance to help. Please, please don’t do that. I beg you.
Asking for help is hard. Asking for help means you may face the opportunity to be convicted of your own sin. Or be asked to offer forgiveness to your spouse. Or to let go of bitterness. Or to change something difficult about the way you are living. Those things are going to be gut-wrenchingly difficult. Awful. Painful.
But who are you living for? If you’re living for yourself, then by all means go right ahead and give up on your marriage. If you’re living for yourself, it won’t matter to you how much you hurt your children, your friends, your family, your church and your spouse. As long as you feel like you are going to be ”better off”, then go ahead and do whatever you want to do.
But if you are truly striving to live for Jesus, I’m going to beg you to please let go of yourself and all the fears you have about forgiveness and change…and please humbly accept help.
I’ve watched some of my friends walk through extremely difficult marital issues…and they survived! Their marriages have been in the trenches…and with God’s incredible strength…they have dug themselves out and come out on the other side with a new marriage to each other! It’s been beautiful to watch! They wanted to quit. They wanted to leave. But they worked and they fought and they sweated and they cried and they learned how to let go of the bondage that was keeping them from the kind of joy God purposes for a marriage. They did it and so can you!!
Please let God help heal your marriage. Your children deserve your hard work and so do you.
Disclaimers and some of the “Yeah Buts”: Please know that I’m not writing to condemn anyone. I know some of you have been through tremendous trials in your marriage. I know some of you are divorced. Some of you have endured physical abuse. Some of you had spouses who refused to stay married to you no matter how hard you tried or what you did to make it work. Some of you needed to get out of a marriage because your children were being sexually abused. I really am writing this post because while those are legitimate reasons to split, those reasons are VERY FEW, and the issues I’ve heard of recently are SO VERY FIXABLE!!! And that is why my heart cried out in this post.
And now, I’m going to go hug and appreciate my precious husband. If we’ve learned anything by watching friends and loved ones break up and divorce, it has been that we MUST go to great lengths to protect and nurture our marriage together. My husband and I are prayerfully clinging to one another right now…and I’d like to encourage you and your spouse to do the same. Your marriage depends on it.
What a beautiful and uplifting post!
[Reply]
Read SACRED MARRIAGE by Gary Thomas…the subtitle says it all:
“What if God designed marriage to make us holy rather than to make us happy.”
[Reply]
This post is spot on. The bible basically has only two real excuses for getting a divorce – not getting along with your spouse is NOT one of them. I remember several years ago when a friend and her husband – a couple that I looked up to and respected – suddenly split and got a divorce. I was heart-broken. Their divorce not only devastated their family but everyone around them. You are right – marriage is not easy, it is hard work. I have found that a recovery program works for me. My husband is now sober in AA but wasn’t always. It was very difficult and there were times I just wanted to run – but I was not willing to do that to my kids or to give up my sweet husband who suffered from the disease of alcoholism. Al-Anon and Celebrate Recovery gave me the tools to see my part in the relationship, to realize he was on his own path with God and that I was not God. I have my own path so I had to let go and let God be the guide for each of us. This has helped every relationship I have, not just with my husband. I have seen the most hopeless relationships restored with the help of AA, Al-Anon, Celebrate Recovery, Family Life counseling and workshops, and Retrouvaille. There are so many resources out there! I am one who walked away from my first marriage. I was young and foolish and did not want to work for my marriage. I was not walking with God. I know now that if I had been submitting to the will of God, I would not have walked away. I am grateful for my current marriage, my husband, my children and the life we have. Satan still tries to get in the middle but I just don’t except what he has to say. I pray, I talk to my husband and I ask for help when I need it. Divorce first devastates the two who are married. It is not something one ever forgets or “feels good” about – I do not care what they may say. It HURTS! Secondly, it is devastating for children and the scars run deep. I experienced that part as a teenager as well. Third, it devastates all the friends and family involved. I lost a whole set of friends and family from my first marriage and so did my ex. The pain goes on and on rippling out like a stone thrown in the water. I am so sad for you, friend Laura, that you have to watch this right now. We are helpless to change others yet we are not hopeless. We have our sweet Savior, Jesus, that we can petition on behalf of those we love who are struggling.
[Reply]
Amen.
Six years ago my attitude reflected Martina McBride’s song “How far”. I was ready to walk out the door, as far as I had to go. The only thing that held me back was that I kept thinking about my children asking me “Where’s Daddy?” Being a divorced kid myself, I just couldn’t do that to them.
Thanks be to God that I didn’t have to walk to far away because he restored us to Him and restored our marriage and today we are happy then we have ever been.
We’ve learned a lot of lessons and grown a lot. And, though those past days weren’t fun, I wouldn’t trade them because it helped us to grow up and be real.
[Reply]
Well said. My hubby and I have been married almost ten years, but we almost split up about six years ago. We ended up going to counseling, and it was the best thing we ever could’ve done.
Thank you for saying what other people are too “politically correct” to say: the truth!
[Reply]
very well said.
[Reply]
I’m sorry that your heart is aching because others have taken their eyes off of
God and His purpose in marriage. I pray your article helps others. Satan can destroy testimonies and damage many people when one couple chooses to live for themselves and put the Lord to the side.
[Reply]
Laura that was beautifully put. Praise the Lord for giving you such appropriate words to share!
[Reply]
This post makes me want to cry! I am watching family members destroy their marriage right now and struggling along side of friends who are wavering through tough, tough issues. It is such a helpless feeling to do all you can and pray and pray and see things collapsing before your eyes. What is so frustrating is that my friends issues stem from their parents having broken marriages (or none). These are things you pass on to your children! It just hurts.
I think my eyes are more open though to the fact that no marriage is perfect and no marriage is immune to trouble. I have a wonderful relationship with my man and love him (and respect him) to pieces, but little daily habits can corrode our love and support and make us more susceptable to hurts and squabbles very quickly. I listen to “marriage radio” online from Focus on the Family and New Life Live broadcasts and share funny little things with my husband. We cannot put our marriages on autopilot and take a nap. We have to stay awake and make little corrections daily or we’ll get off track and crash.
[Reply]
Amen! I have wanted to say the same thing!
[Reply]
Thank you for this post, Laura. Can I ask you to please pray for me? I’m feeling pretty unsure and insecure about my own marriage.
Thanks for this website. You have kind of become my mentor (even though you don’t know a thing about me).
Bless your sweet family:)
Meghan
[Reply]
Laura Reply:
May 19th, 2010 at 8:07 pm
Meghan, yes I will pray for you. I am already praying for strength for you as you struggle for answers and healing. If you haven’t already, read through the comments as many people mentioned different books and sources of encouragement and help. Please feel free to email me personally if you want to share more specifically or ask questions. I’m not an expert, but I am your friend.
[Reply]
Cassie Reply:
May 19th, 2010 at 8:19 pm
I’ll pray for you too Meghan! My husband and I have been married for 5 yeras and have been through some pretty difficult and yucky stuff. There have been times when I was so insecure about my marriage and I was SURE I married the wrong man. I thought, “God, I’m sorry. I must have chosen wrong. If I would have married the man you planned for me to, this would be so much easier”. Then I had a wonderful friend speak some much needed truth to me. She said, “On the Contrary Cassie. God has plans for make us more like HIM! When we follow his will, we are not promised an easy road, but road that will be rugged and difficult, but he will never leave us or forsake us!” I really needed to hear that. I was soo wrapped up in myself and my own happiness, (not saying you are just speaking for myself) that I couldn’t see the molding God was doing in my life in order to make me more like him. So, all of that to say: Be encouraged! Jesus has overcome the world and his strength can live in you if you believe! All is not lost! Persevere in the Lord!! I will continue to pray for you and your husband! Good for you for reaching out! :)
[Reply]
Thank you for this post, Laura. I’m the child of divorced parents (they split after 35 years of marriage) – and some aspects of the divorce are still with me over 20 years later.
My husband and I have dealt with so much in our 13 years of marriage, stuff that would rip marriages apart in a heartbeat. I won’t say it has been easy – and I won’t say the D-word hasn’t been brought up – but each day we are together I’m grateful that we have each other.
Our family and friends would scratch their heads to hear how close we have come to divorce – because we hide it very well. And, in 13 years of marriage, I have never walked out the door, neither has he. We have never sought help, because my husband is too emberassed to admit we have marriage problems.
We cling to Christ alone to keep up together. His parents are still married, 30+ years so far – though he and his brother and their mother were all physically abused while he was growing up. His last fistfight with his dad was about 3 months before we got married. His father finally came to Christ about 8 years ago, and their marriage is so wonderful now.
My husband isn’t abusive – never has been – but he does harbor the pain of those years from his childhood. His temper is quick, his tongue is sharp – and that has caused many problems for us over the years. I suffer from PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder) as well as depression, and both were linked back to our relationship and his abrasiveness. I often think, when times are bad, that those two issues are reason enough for divorce. He thinks so, too – but begs me and the kids to stay, and things are good for a few months. It’s become our routine, the good life for a few months, followed by a month or two of arguing, leading up to my wanting to leave, then it starts over again.
I love my husband – that’s why I stay. That, and I want my kids to have both parents at home with them. But a small part of me wonders if it is worth it – I remember how much happier my mom was when she finally left my controlling father, and how much happier that made us kids. Still, I’m doing the biblical, God-ordained thing. Until one of us breaks those two rules listed in the bible (abuse, infidelity) we will remain married, for better or for worse.
[Reply]
Laura,
I usually do not comment, but this post hit home. I love my husband of 17 years and I am so happy we have worked through those times that have been difficult. I feel your anger as I too see many friends and family whose marriages are falling apart and for pitiful reasons. My two best friend from college have called in the last year to tell me their marriages have not been good for years and now they have found out their spouses were having affairs. One is in the mist of a wicked divorice with so much anger and hate. The other is trying to cling to her marriage with forgiveness, while dealing with the pain of betrayal. He repeatedly says he is leaving the other woman and then she finds he is back with her. I feel their pain and I have had nightmares from hearing their suffering. I feel so helpless and just pray without ceasing.
[Reply]
Thanks for adding the “disclaimer”. I will never say it’s ok to stay w/an unfaithful spouse, or an abusive spouse. No matter what author would tell you to do so.
I also know of a couple who divorced, her husband cheated on her before and during the marriage. The affair during the marriage was w/a church member, a so-called friend who was invited into their home numerous times. They are both re-married, the husband married the woman who he had an affair with. My friend married a WONDERFUL man.
My parents divorced after 31 years of marriage. My father was unfaithful pretty much the whole marriage. My mother finally said enough was enough. It was probably the best thing that coudl have happened.
[Reply]
I am in the same position you are – only the marriages falling apart around me are due to abuse, alcoholism, and infidelity. It SUCKS to see people you love so much hurting so deeply. Thank you for this post…it ministered to me today.
I am clinging to my husband – a good, Godly man. Imperfect, but he loves me the way Christ loves the church, and that is enough.
[Reply]
Thank you for sharing your heart and speaking the truth! I agree 100% with everything you said.
[Reply]
Very well said Laura! Being a pastor’s wife, we have seen it all, the sadness of divorce, but we have also seen the incredible miracle of restored marriages! God can do anything. So many, good comments from you all! Marriage is HARD, and we need soft hearts towards the Lord! And we need to be vigilant like it says in 1 Peter 5:8-10 – “Be of sober spirit, be on the alert. Your adversary, the devil, prowls about like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour, but resist him, firm in your faith, knowing that the same experineces of suffering are being accomplished by your bretheren who are in the world. And after you have suffered for a little while, the God of all grace, who called you to His eternal glory in Christ, will Himself perfect, confirm, strengthen and establish you.” Great reminder that we will suffer, but that God will give us the strength and grace we need to get through it. Also, I thought of Ephesians 6:10-18 about putting on the whole armor of God. I am sharing these verses because we need God’s Word to battle against our enemy and to convict and comfort us like it says in Heb. 4:12 that the Word of God is living an active. Lastly, we need to pray for our husbands. I have loved Stormie Omartian book on The Power of a Praying Wife. While I don’t agree with everything, I love how short the chapters are and there are 30 chapters, one for each day of the month. Often I just pray for whatever the title of the chapter is for that day, for example, chapter 1 for the first day of a month. Thanks again for a great post!
[Reply]
Wow, Laura — I could have written this (ok, not as well as you did; I mean that I am seeing the dissolution of marriages all around me, and it kills me). Our church has been hit by several divorces in the last year. While one was because of serious physical abuse, and one because of serious drug abuse and emotional cruelty, others were because (according to the participants) “we just aren’t happy,” “I’m not fulfilled,” “He’s not the man I want him to be.” Unsurprisingly, the children of these divorces are suffering anxiety, heartbreak, serious physical reactions (chronic stomach pain, etc.), and they’ll be changed for the rest of their life. I teach writing on the college level, and last year one of my students wrote a paper on how divorce affects children for the rest of their life. It was sobering and painful to read.
Thank you for reminding us that just because a marriage requires work, tears, and forgiveness does not doom it. In fact, I think EVERY marriage requires those same things (though I’ll just confess right here that I am so stinking lucky, because I’d would never want to be married to anyone but the man I am married to!).
kristin
[Reply]
What a beautiful post and wake-up call, Laura! Somehow, we Christian women waltz into marriage thinking it’s supposed to be a piece of cake… and when reality strikes and things turn out “hard”, we become disillusioned and wonder what went wrong.
I agree with the other commentors who recommended Gary Thomas’ book “Sacred Marriage”. I also recommend “Love and Respect” (Emmerson Eggeriches) and “Created to Be His Help Meet” (Debi Pearl). As a pastor’s wife, I’ve loaned both these books to several ladies in our Church.
There IS solid, Biblical help out there for marriages- good ones and not-so-good-ones. Thank you for taking a stand for marriage and encouraging us all to honor our vows and our man!
Kristy @ Homemaker’s Cottage
[Reply]
YES! Thank you for speaking truth. Satan IS out to destroy marriages. We have seen it over and over again, especially within the last year. Friends, relatives, church members, people we would least expect, getting divorces or separating. We have been praying and praying for the resolution of so many of them. We will be continuing to pray for those marriages in trouble and that God would provide the strength they need to push on. It is so nice to read someone who understands that marriage is not suppose to be ‘easy’. It’s the hardest thing I have ever done, (next to being a mommy). But it is also the most rewarding and fantastic thing, as well. God knew what He was doing when He made Eve for Adam. He did! Thank you for your wonderful posts, Laura. They really are so encouraging. Bless you and yours!
[Reply]
Amen and Amen, you could not have said it any better. Please continue to share your heart with us because it is truly a blessing. Be Blessed…
[Reply]
My husband and I have been going through a trying time as well, probably the most difficult in 9 years of marriage. I can see why it’s easier to NOT work on it, because it is painful to go through the issues and get them fixed. Especially when it seems like it’s the same thing over and over again. But you’re right, it IS fixable, and mostly it’s because of selfish reasons and a lack of communication. My husband is not a reader, but he found an amazing book called Every Man’s Marriage by Christian authors and is reading it. For me.
Walking in the love of God can feel so impossible at times, but it’s Him that helps us to do it, because He is love and He lives in us.
Anyways, I get it!
[Reply]
Thank you for this…reposted to my Facebook page.
Sarah
[Reply]
Thank you for this post. This is exactly what I’ve been thinking but didn’t know how to put it into words. So many people around me have been giving up on their marriages too and it’s making me sick to think about. I hope a lot of people read this post and share it with their friends and maybe, just maybe, even one marriage will be saved. I’m so glad to know that their are other people with the same values that I have. Sometimes you begin to wonder. I love reading your blog and using your recipes. Thanks so much for sharing your insights. -hayley
[Reply]
Laura, would you consider writing something about how to balance all this when married to a non-christian?
I’m thinking specifically of issues when the husband/wife don’t agree on what’s appropriate, both for adults, but for especially for children. How can one let the husband lead, respect and support him, when he does/says things or holds opinions that make you cringe as a Christian? AND how can one at the same time protect ones children from bad influences or inappropriate things from the world, when those things are either precisely brought into the home by the husband or at least not objected to by him?
When the husband thinks the wife should just take a chill pill or two and simply enjoy life (that is normal, worldly life with all that follows..)
I am personnally confused and find it very hard to sort out how to be a godly wife AND mother at the same time!!
Thanks for your encouraging and helpful writings. -Maria
[Reply]
Laura Reply:
June 10th, 2010 at 7:23 pm
I wanted you to know that I’m giving this subject some thought. I’m hoping to address this eventually during this series if I can.
[Reply]
Hi Laura, I am writing you with this question because you do not know my husband, and I would not feel comfortable sharing this with any other mentor-type woman in my church because they do know my husband and I do not want them to look down on him. Recently, I accidentally caught my husband masturbating while watching pornography on his computer. He has done this once before about a year ago, and the only reason I know is because he came to me and confessed. He knows what he was doing was wrong and I completely believe that he has sought the Lord for forgiveness as well as myself, and he is repentant. I too realize that this is a sin like all others and should be treated that way, as the Lord has forgiven us I also will forgive him. I forgive him but I have trouble being truly gracious. I have bitterness as well as a slew of other emotions that I don’t want to build up into something more. What are some scripture you might meditate on, or some other things you might do in my situation to truly let this sin go? Thank you.
[Reply]
Laura Reply:
June 4th, 2010 at 7:32 am
Leslie,
I so appreciate your honesty and openness, and also that you feel safe enough here to share. I know many other women can relate and understand your pain with this. God bless you for seeking to handle it in a way that honors your husband and honors God.
I don’t feel equipped to answer your questions, but I highly recommend reading through Kristin’s series of “He said She said” here: http://wearethatfamily.com/category/he-said-she-said/ She and her husband have struggled through these same issues and have let God lead them through it.
Please feel free to email me personally any time if you’d like to visit further. I am praying for you.
[Reply]